


All That I'm Living For

by Jaythorne



Category: VAM - Fandom
Genre: Bam Margera - Freeform, HIM (Band) - Freeform, HIM - Freeform, M/M, Vam, Ville Valo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-03
Updated: 2014-02-03
Packaged: 2018-01-11 02:35:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 36,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaythorne/pseuds/Jaythorne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All That I'm Living For is a Ville Valo x Bam Margera fanfiction, commonly known as a VAM fanfiction, with an M - Strict rating for later on. I do not own Ville Valo nor Bam Margera, and the events in this story never happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All That I Can't Ignore

_“All that I'm living for,_

_All that I'm dying for,_

_All that I can't ignore alone at night._

_I can feel the night beginning._

_Separate me from the living._

_Understanding me,_

_After all I've seen._

_Piecing every thought together,_

_Find the words to make me better._

_If I only knew how to pull myself apart._

_All that I'm living for,_

_All that I'm dying for,_

_All that I can't ignore alone at night._

_All that I'm wanted for,_

_Although I wanted more._

_Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me._

_I believe that dreams are sacred._

_Take my darkest fears and play them_

_Like a lullaby,_

_Like a reason why,_

_Like a play of my obsessions,_

_Make me understand the lesson,_

_So I'll find myself,_

_So I won't be lost again._

_All that I'm living for,_

_All that I'm dying for,_

_All that I can't ignore alone at night._

_All that I'm wanted for,_

_Although I wanted more._

_Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me._

_Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,_

_To be the one._

_I could have run forever,_

_But how far would I have come_

_Without mourning your love?_

_All that I'm living for,_

_All that I'm dying for,_

_  
_

 

_All that I can't ignore alone at night._

_All that I'm wanted for,_

_Although I wanted more._

_Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me._

_Should it hurt to love you?_

_Should I feel like I do?_

_Should I lock the last open door,_

_My ghosts are gaining on me.”_

 

-x-

 

  I don’t know when I started to love him, but then one day I suddenly realized I did. It was a strange, fulfilling feeling, and I suddenly felt like everything had turned right in the world, that everything once wrong had been righted.

  If only I was so lucky.

  He could never know. I wouldn’t tell him. No, I wouldn’t hurt him that way. He was my best friend. How could I just pour out my heart to him for my own sake, when doing so might wound him so very badly in the process?

  No, I could never tell him.

  Not like this.

  But still, it’s eating me away inside. Every time I look into those amazing, sky-blue eyes, my heart cries. Every time he laughs with me over a joke, I die a little more inside. Every time I look at his perfect body, those wonderfully toned muscles, that beautiful face, my soul screams with desire. Every time I see him with another girl, I want to vanish into thin air, knowing that could never, and will never be me.

  How could he love me?

  I had no right to want him, but I did. I wanted him badly... so very badly. I want to die every time I think about it, but now I’m wasting away under his neglect. Sure, we still talk. Have a few drinks together. Laugh. Converse. But it’s not the same. Not what I want. Far from it.

  I want Bam himself.

  I want to hold him in my arms, to tell him I love him, to be able to scream his name. What I would do to know he loved me... but, I know he doesn’t love me back. Couldn’t. Can’t. Won’t.

  He doesn’t like me that way.

  He doesn’t even know.

  And that’s the way things should stay, and will stay. For his sake, but not my own.

  What does it matter anymore anyway?

  He’s happy. That’s all that matters.

  That’s what I tell myself.

  It’s still so very painful, watching him with Jenn, and now Missy. I try to smile at them, tell them I wish them happiness, always throwing on that painful, hollow smile.

  So he can’t see how very much it hurts.

  I’m slipping away a little more each day, slowly leaving it all behind. Not that I care.

  Why should anyone care?

  All I want is him. Nothing else can satisfy me. He’s just so _perfect._

  But then, why would he want a wretch like me?

  Exactly, he doesn’t.

  And it’s killing me.

  This cross is so hard to bear... but I’ll bear it anyway. And way to protect him. His life. His love. Our friendship, even if it’s never anything more than that. I still love him too much. Much too much. Painfully so.

  I’ve often wondered if I should tell him. I even tried a couple times.

  I chickened out. Of course.

  Now I watch him and his other friends; always laughing, talking; oblivious. Missy’s there, too. I just sit quietly in the background, almost a part of the scenery, always watching, longing to join in.

  I can’t.

  It’s too painful.

  To be that close, and yet so far. I fear I may slip, and suddenly lose my careful control, reaching out to touch his smooth, toned skin, right in front of everyone.

  I won’t take that chance.

  I have to get away from here.

 -x-

  “Ville, where are you going?” Bam called, laughing. He was swimming in the pool of the hotel with the rest of the Viva La Bam crew and Missy, having a blast while they were on vacation. The Finn hadn’t even approached the water, still clad in a light jacket and black jeans, with his beanie on and a thin green scarf wrapped around his slender neck, despite the fact it was the middle of summer.

  Ville paused. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get away from Bam. _Fast._

  “I want a smoke. I left my cigarettes in my room,” he lied, then slipped quickly inside the hotel.

  Bam stared after him a moment, slightly perplexed by his mood. Ville had been acting really strange lately, and it was starting to get to him. But suddenly he was attacked by Novak and he went back to splashing in the pool, Ville soon long lost to his mind.

  Instead of heading up the stairs Ville darted out the front door, then took a seat on the concrete bench outside in the hot sun. He lit up eagerly and took a long, calming intake of breath, holding the smoke in his lungs for a moment before he slowly exhaled. The nicotine calmed him. He relaxed, slowly unknotting his tense muscles. Whenever he was around Bam he felt like a coiled spring, just ready to be let loose and fly under the pressure. It was maddening. He sighed heavily, rolling his head back to stare at the clear blue sky. The exact same shade as Bam’s eyes.

  The Finn cursed and took to staring at the concrete bench, tracing small patterns with the tip of his finger. He did it mindlessly, concentrating only on the task. It was an escape from his thoughts. It felt nice.

  He didn’t notice it had grown dark.

  “Ville? What the heck are you doing out here? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

  Ville jumped, jade eyes snapping up to Bam’s face, then away. “Sorry. I was just thinking.”

  Bam’s face registered confusion. “Thinking? About what?”

  Ville bit his lip, still careful to avoid his eyes. He knew if he met them he might tell him everything.

  “Just stuff,” he replied vaguely, waving it away. He put on a fake smile, collecting himself, and forced himself to look into the young skater’s crystal blue eyes.

  “Did you want to ask me something?”

  The skater regarded him for a moment, perplexed. Why had he looked so... tortured just then? It was like he was in pain or something. What could he have been thinking about? What was he not telling him?

  “I was wondering if you wanted to come drinking with the guys and me,” Bam said, shaking the feeling off. He was probably just imagining things again.

  Ville shrugged impassively. “Sure,” he murmured. Anywhere there was alcohol he was willing to go.

  Bam lead him down to the hotel bar where the rest of the party had already accumulated, chatting away and acting crazy. Ville plopped himself down at the bar and started drinking, savoring the bittersweet taste of the alcohol on his tongue. It felt nice, letting his mind slip. He caught Bam’s form chatting and laughing with Missy and Dunn from the corner of his eye. He stared, glancing away whenever someone turned. He watched Bam as much as he could; even though he knew he shouldn’t stare, he couldn’t help it. Bam was just too beautiful.

  As the evening wore on he staggered over to a couch, crashing. His lids grew heavy and were about to close when Bam plopped down next to him, startling him, laughing riotously. The small contact with his skin sent an electrical shock through Ville’s arm.

  “Hey, Walo, are you having fun yet?” Bam cried drunkenly in his face. Ville stared wide-eyed, trying to remain still. He was so close...

  “Hey, why are you acting so weird? You’ve been moping all day. What’s wrong with you?”

  Ville cursed. Bam had noticed.

  “Go away, Bam,” Ville muttered, struggling to maintain coherent speech. “I just wanna sleep.”

  Indeed he did. His lids were drooping, his body weighed down with the effects of the alcohol. He felt pleasantly numb.

  “Aw, but I wanna talk,” Bam slurred, grinning at him.

  Ville tried to ignore him, closing his eyes and laying his head on the back of the couch. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but it would do. Eventually he felt Bam leave, and he relaxed, sighing with relief. As much as he loved the close proximity with Bam, it was almost too much to bear. Tension gone, he gratefully sank into oblivion.

 -x-

  “Hey, Bam? What’s with Ville?”

  Bam turned to glance at his friend, passed out on the couch.

  “Um, he’s unconscious?”

  Dunn rolled his eyes and smacked Bam upside the head. “Idiot. I meant about how he was acting earlier. He almost looked like he was in pain when you were talking to him. What did you do?”

  Bam looked at Dunn, sobering up slightly. “I didn’t do anything to him!” he protested, hurt. He could never do anything to Ville. Usually it was his crew that did things to him.

  “Well then why’s he acting like someone’s shoving daggers down his throat? Really, Bam, something’s wrong with him. I mean, just look at him! Even in sleep you can tell.”

  Bam’s eyes unwillingly wandered back to Ville’s lanky form on the couch, drinking him in. His mouth dropped open as he realized what he saw.

  Ville looked older, tired, pained. His face was crumpled in agony, even in his sleep. There were dark circles under his eyes, almost like he had been deprived of sleep for weeks. He was thinner, too; Bam could see it plainly even through his many layers of clothes. Something really was wrong.

  “I’m taking him back up to his room so that he can sleep. He’s going to have a major crick in his neck tomorrow if he sleeps like that,” Bam muttered, slipping off his barstool to stagger back over to the couch. He reached down to hoist Ville’s limp form up in his arms. He wondered if he even _could_ carry Ville, but surprised at how little he really weighed. It disturbed him.

  He trekked up to his room, stumbling inside and to the bed. He lay Ville down, then climbed up with him, too tired to even take off his shoes. Not that it mattered. He was out like a light before he even hit the pillow.


	2. Pretending

  Ville’s eyes opened slowly, still heavy. He was still exhausted; still lacking much needed sleep. But as his eyes lighted on the face sleeping next to him all traces of sleep evaporated. His lids shot open, heart hammering in his chest.

  Bam was passed out next to him on his side, snoring softly. Ville froze, sucking in a shaky breath. He tensed, still staring into the angelic face across from him. The urge to touch the smooth, tanned skin was almost too much to bear.

  But suddenly Bam’s eyes opened, regarding him through his haze, flashing him a gorgeous, sleepy smile.

  Ville had to get out of there.

  He jumped from the bed, eyes flickering around the still-darkened room. Clothes were scattered everywhere; a skateboard, beer bottles, food cartons. _Bam’s room_. Ville’s heart picked up the pace again.

  “Hey, you okay?” His eyes snapped back to Bam; wide, full of panic. Bam stared at him curiously. What was with him?

  “This is your room,” Ville said softly, but there was a hint of a strain in his voice. This puzzled Bam.

  “Yeah. I brought you up here when you passed out on the couch.”

  Ville nodded, eyes darting away. They were silent for a moment.

  “I guess I’ll just go back to my room—.”

  “Ville?”

  The Finn’s eyes snapped back to Bam’s, then away. “Yeah?”

  He heard Bam move, then stand. “Are you okay? You’ve been acting real weird lately. You almost looked like you were in pain yesterday—”

  Ville swallowed convulsively. Bam was sharp, even when drunk.

  “—and you look like you haven’t slept in days. You’re always drinking or smoking. Really, what’s with you?”

  Ville was silent, bitting his lip so that no words could form to spill his secret. He made sure not to look Bam in the eye.

  “Ville, _look at me._ ”

  Ville’s eyes snapped up to his at the sharp command, immediately wishing he hadn’t. Bam was almost glaring at him, blue eyes piercing. Ville shrank away under the forceful stare.

  “It’s nothing, Bam—”

  “Don’t try to tell me it’s fecking nothing, _look at you!_ You look like death. You used to talk to me all the time. Now we can barely speak a few words! What’s changed? What’s different?”

  Ville managed to pry his eyes away from Bam’s, staring at the floor. He twisted his fingers, making up his mind. He opened his mouth to speak, looking up at Bam. He wished he hadn’t. He chickened out.

  “I can’t tell you,” he whispered, breaking eye contact again. He turned to leave, but suddenly there were rough hands on his shoulders, whirling him to face Bam. He stiffened and froze in shock, wide jade eyes locked with piercing blue.

  “Why _not,_ Ville? Just tell me!”

  “I _can’t!_ ” Ville cried, struggling to break free. A few months ago he could have. Now he was too weak.

  “Yes you _can!_ ” Bam cried back, shaking him once. “Just tell me!”

  Ville bit his lip and shook his head, shutting his eyes tight. A look of utter agony crossed his face; a single, silvery tear staining his cheek.

  “I can’t... I can’t...” Ville whispered, torn. But then suddenly he wretched himself from Bam’s grasp, lunging for the door. He had to get out of here. _Now._

  But Bam was faster, and he looped an arm around Ville’s waist, pulling him back. He struggled wildly for a moment, desperate for escape. Bam put his other arm around him, restraining him, when Ville suddenly went limp, sagging in his arms. Bam stared at him in horror as Ville’s knees buckled and he collapsed on the ground, struggling for breath, wheezing. He shut his eyes. He just wanted it all to vanish.

  Bam kneeled down next to him and rooted through Ville’s pockets, searching for his inhaler. Ville cringed at his touch, shying away. Bam caught his coat and pulled him back, pinning him there with one hand while the other continued to search for the puffer. Ville struggled weakly for a moment, writhing under Bam’s grasp. But then he fell back in exhaustion, struggling for breath again. Bam found the inhaler and pressed it into the Finn’s palm.

  “Ville, take it,” Bam urged, holding it up to his face. “Don’t be an idiot.”

  Ville wanted to shake his head, but his lungs were burning of the lack of oxygen, eyes swimming. He snatched it, taking a long, shaky puff. He began to breathe easier, still laying on his side on the floor, still wheezing. He wanted to die.

  Bam hoisted him up in his arms again and carried him toward the bed. Ville struggled again, light, pallid arms pushing uselessly against him. Since when was Ville so frail? Bam could feel how painfully thin he was, even through his clothes.

  He lay him down on the bed, forcing him to stay. Ville gave up and fell back; limp, exhausted. His eyes closed, and his breath was still wheezy. Bam couldn’t help but notice the dark purplish circles under the Finn’s eyes.

  “When was the last time you had a good night’s sleep?” Bam demanded.

  Ville’s eyes opened half-way, regarding him tiredly. He did not speak.

  Bam sat down on the bed, glaring at him. “Well?”

  Ville wheezed a sigh and closed his eyes. “A while,” he conceded.

  Bam sighed. “What happened to you?” he whispered sadly.

  Ville’s eyes opened again at his concerned tone. He wished he could answer him. He wanted to answer him. He wanted to more than anything in the world.

  Instead he bit his lip and looked away, making sure to avoid Bam’s eyes. He didn’t know if he could stand it if he did.

  “Ville.”

  Ville bit his lip harder. Bam’s new tone tempted him to turn.

  “Ville, please, just tell me what’s wrong,” Bam begged. He couldn’t stand seeing Ville like this. It felt so wrong.

  Ville chewed on his bottom lip.

  “I can’t tell you yet, Bam,” Ville whispered, a sigh in his tired voice. Bam could hear the slightest hint of some deep, secret hurt. It killed him.

  Ville closed his eyes, and Bam stayed silent, thinking. What could Ville possibly be keeping locked up so tight? And why was he so determined to keep it that way, even if it meant hurting himself? It puzzled Bam to no end. Suddenly a light snore disturbed his thoughts and he looked up in relief; Ville had fallen asleep. He needed it. But Bam frowned; Ville’s face was still etched with tension, agony and pain; muscles still rigid, even in slumber. Bam had to get to the bottom of this, if it was the last thing he did.

 -x-

  Ville woke with a start, eyes darting around the darkened room in alarm. For a moment he’d forgotten where he was. Then his eyes flickered over to Bam’s sleeping form, slumped in a chair. He felt a sudden urge to reach out ad touch him. He resisted with difficulty. He was alone, in a hotel room, in the middle of the night, with Bam.

  His heart skipped a beat.

  He had to get out of there.

  He carefully slipped out of bed, patting himself down. Inhaler... check. Wallet... check. Card key... card key?

  He swore, patting the empty pocket where he had previously placed it. Bam.

  He searched the messy room silently, looking for the missing piece of plastic. He sighed. It was no where to be found.

  His jade eyes flickered over to the sleeping young skater. Of course he’d have it on him.

  Ville sighed again and stepped forward, tense as a spring. He checked Bam’s pockets slowly, then gently peeled back the opening on his blazer to check inside. He reached into the pocket, fingers brushing the thin sliver of plastic. He grinned, fingers closing over it, and pulled it out. He let the coat drop, when suddenly a hand clamped around his wrist.

  He nearly jumped out of his skin, trying to jump away in shock. Bam held on, tightening his grip on Ville’s wrist. He glared at the rockstar, snatching the card from his fingertips.

  “Like I’d let you get away so easy,” Bam seethed quietly, slipping the card back into his blazer pocket. Ville tried to pull away, but Bam still held fast, pulling him closer instead. Ville bridled and struggled more, desperate to keep the distance between them. He might snap if he didn’t.

  “Ville, what the heck is wrong with you? Honestly!” Bam cried in exasperation, still clinging to Ville’s wrist.

  Ville stopped struggling, wheezing again. He forced himself to look into Bam’s eyes, hardening his expression.

  “Let me go, Bam,” Ville growled.

  Bam stared at him impassively.  “Not until you tell me what’s going on,” he said just as coldly, squeezing Ville’s wrist. The Finn winced.

  “Bam, really, I can’t—.”

  “Why _not?!_ What’s so bad that you’ve done this to yourself for?”

  Ville winced at Bam’s raised tone. He looked down, suddenly ashamed and nervous. Now would be the perfect time to tell him. But could Ville live with himself if he did? He shut his eyes tightly, cursing himself. Praying it was all a nightmare. His throbbing wrist reminded him it wasn’t.

  “Bam,” he hissed, “My hand?”

  Bam had been staring hard into Ville’s face, keeping a tight grip on the Finn’s wrist. One look at Ville’s pained expression caused him to release it. Ville was already fragile enough as he was.

  The Finn immediately pulled the hand to his chest, moving his fingers slowly. The entire appendage felt numb.

  “Well?” Bam said nervously, shifting from foot to foot. Why was _he_ nervous? But then his face hardened to anger again, and Ville felt himself shrink in his impending gaze.

  “I... I...” Ville stuttered, trying to get the words out. He sighed in frustration. _I love you!_ he screamed in his head. Why couldn’t he _say_ it? He sighed again as his jade eyes flickered back to Bam’s icy blue ones. He made a split decision, half desperation, half a total loss of his careful control.

  He stepped toward Bam, placing a hand on either side of his face. The skater flinched at his cold touch, but also in shock. His crystal blue eyes met Ville’s jade ones in confusion. The Finn smiled shyly at him, holding eye contact for once. It was unnerving. Bam wanted to pull away. But then Ville leaned in and... kissed him.

  He froze in shock as the Finn continued on in his slow, sensual kiss. After a moment he pulled away, casting his eyes downward in embarrassment; cheeks flushing a brilliant red, visible even in the dark of the suite.

  “I love you, Bam,” he whispered timidly, “I have for a while. I didn’t want to tell you. I couldn’t tell you. I knew you didn’t feel the same way, and I didn’t want to ruin everything... but I guess I did anyway.”

  Bam just stared at him, mouth hanging open, still shocked beyond words. Ville slipped silently past him, careful not to touch him, and out the door. All Bam could do was gawk. Ville had... kissed him. Ville was in love with him. That’s what he’d been hiding all along. He’d been pining away because he didn’t want to hurt him. He’d been dying to save him from his secret. But did he regret knowing? Strangely, no. Why? He was so confused. Had he actually... enjoyed that? His head was swimming. No, he loved Missy. He’d loved Jenn. Then why did everything seem like it had been turned upside-down? Ville loved him. But what did Bam feel?

  He gasped in shock. His hand flew to his chest, reaching inside his blazer for the card key. It was gone. Bam swore, bolting from the apartment.


	3. Salt In Our Wounds

  He flew up two flights of stairs toward the Finn’s room, then skidded to a halt outside his door, knocking furiously. He didn’t give a flip if he woke the other guests. He had to talk to Ville.

  “Ville? Ville! Are you in there? Open up, I need to talk to you!”

  He pressed his ear desperately against the door, listening for any sound. There was none. He got down on his knees, staring under the door. No lights.

  Bam swore, standing. Ville hadn’t returned to his room yet. Maybe he’d been counting on the fact that Bam would come here first? He swore again.

  Where would Ville go?

  The skater thought a moment. The bar?

  He flew down the stairs.

  No Ville. Where could he be?

  Bam looked for him for half the night, until he finally gave up and headed back to his hotel room, thinking. What should he think, anyway? He couldn’t tell anymore. But it all made sense, now. The way Ville had been acting. But it was all so _wrong_. Ville had been hurting himself to protect Bam. Did he really love him that much?

  Bam swore, burying his head into his pillow. His head ached, still suffering from the lack of a good night’s sleep and a hangover.

  How did Bam feel about it all? He loved Missy. He knew that much. He loved Ville, too, but not the way Ville loved him. Bam loved him like a brother. They were best friends. Were they?

  Bam thought about it. Absently he touched the small heart tattoo on his right wrist, just like Ville’s. Then the heartagram tattoo on his pelvis, and the one up his side. Just like Ville’s. He turned his head toward his dresser, covered with CDs. They were all different types of CDs, but most were HIM ones. He loved HIM. They were his favorite band. It didn’t mean anything, did it? So what if he liked the band? Ville’s lyrics? His voice? So what if they shared a couple of tattoos? It just meant they were just friends... right?

  Bam shut his eyes tight, willing it all away. Why did things have to get so complicated? Why did he have to force Ville to tell him?

  Did he regret knowing, though? No, he didn’t. He finally knew what was wrong with his best friend.

  Did he like the answer?

  He couldn’t say.

  And now Ville had vanished.

  The next morning, Ville was still missing. Bam managed to get into his room with a spare key from the front desk, but the room had no recent trace of the Finn. With a sigh he made his way down to the breakfast room to face the rest of the crew.

  “Where’s Ville?” Missy asked right off, apparently very aware Bam had carried the Finn off last evening, leaving her alone down in the bar. Bam winced at her tone.

  “I don’t know,” he replied tiredly. Missy’s expression softened.

  “You don’t know?”

  “He’s wasn’t in his room this morning.”

  “Well, he’s got to be around here somewhere,” Missy assured him, smiling. “Don’t worry, Bammy. Ville can take care of himself. Maybe he’s just out for a walk, or a smoke.”

  Bam put on a fake smile at her words. “Yeah, that’s probably it.” He couldn’t tell her why he knew she was wrong.

  Later that day they found a skate park deep within the city, and spent the day skating. Eventually Missy got tired of that, though, and wandered off to go shopping, distantly telling Bam she’d meet him back at the hotel later that evening. A while later Bam ditched himself, telling the guys he was going off to see if Ville was back at the hotel. And he was. He was worried sick about the Finn.

  He knocked on Ville’s door, still heading no answer. Still carrying the card key from this morning, however, he slipped it into the lock and stepped inside. He crept slowly around the corner, peeking into Ville’s bedroom. Ville was nowhere to be seen; room still messy, with no sign of life. He had to come back _sometime._

  So Bam waited.

  After what seemed like ages there was a sound out in the hall, then the metallic click of the card key unlocking the door. Bam stood and rushed to hide behind Ville’s bedroom door; he was going to talk to Ville, whether Ville wanted to talk to him or not. Moments later the unsuspecting Finn shuffled inside, throwing his jacket and day bag on the bed. He turned toward the window to draw the curtains just as Bam moved and closed the door behind him.

  Ville must have jumped three feet in the air, and he rounded on Bam, jade eyes wide with shock. His voice caught in his throat with a strangled sound, and then his eyes were flickering around the room for other possible escape routes. He swore. There were none. He was trapped.

  “Ville, I just wanna talk,” Bam pleaded, taking a step toward him. Ville immediately took a step back. Bam rolled his eyes.

  The Finn remained silent, staring at Bam with large, blank jade eyes. Innocent. Adorable. Adorable?!

  Bam’s eyes widened in shock. Had he just thought Ville looked _adorable_ just now? He mentally slapped himself. What wasn’t what he was here for.

  He focused back on Ville’s now-puzzled look, one dark eyebrow raised questioningly. Bam shook off the feeling.

  “Look, about last night, when you said... when you said...” Bam couldn’t bring himself to say it. He sighed. “Well, anyway. I just wanted to tell you...” He paused again. Exactly _what_ had he wanted to tell Ville? He racked his brain. He couldn’t remember. Why had he come to talk with him, anyway?

  He frowned, eyebrows furrowed. He needed to see Ville... but he couldn’t remember why...

  Ville continued to stare at Bam silently as he frowned, deep in thought. He looked so cute when he was confused. _No, don’t think that!_ Ville frowned. _He doesn’t like you like that. But why is he here? He wanted to tell you something... but even he doesn’t know what it is..._

  “Bam?” Ville bit his tongue. Bam’s gaze swung up to meet his eyes; still a dark, murky blue from thought.

  Ville cleared his troat nervously, raising a hand to rub the back of his neck. A reflex. But Bam’s eyes darted to the hand, clouding over. He frowned again, this time his face sad.

  “What?” Ville asked, nervous again. Bam was making him self conscious.

  “Your hand...” he whispered. Just his agonized tone was enough to make Ville’s heart skip a slow beat. He brought his hand down to his eyes, staring at it. There were several dark, purple bruises around his wrist where Bam had held onto him from last night, standing out painfully against his pale skin. He quickly drew the appendage behind his back.

  “It’s nothing.” Ville put on a fake smile. “I’ll be fine.”

  But Bam frowned again, and approached him. Ville backed up, but soon he met a wall, and was forced to stop. Bam gently drew his arm out from behind his back, and Ville jumped; the very contact with his skin sending trills up his spine. But Bam didn’t notice; instead he grasped Ville’s wrist lightly, turning it over gently in his hands, staring at the ugly purple bruises. Despite himself Ville winced as Bam’s fingers brushed across the wounds. Bam noticed.

  “How bad does it hurt?” he asked in a thick, pained voice. Ville’s stomach dropped.

  “Not so very much. It’s f—ah!” He hissed as Bam’s fingers lightly grazed it, turning the damaged appendage over again. Ville bit his lip to prevent further outbursts.

  Bam looked up into his face, his eyes an agonized, crystal blue. “I’m so sorry,” he breathed, looking back down at the discolored skin. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Bam, it’s okay,” Ville whispered, gently drawing his hand away to hide it behind his back again. “I’m fine.”

  Bam rolled his eyes. “You’re a terrible liar.”

  Ville grinned. “Says you.”

  Bam smiled. Ville’s heart skipped a beat.

  “But still, I hurt you.” Bam’s eyes darkened again. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just wanted to know...”

  Ville forced a smile. “I know. It’s okay. I’ve been trying to tell you for a while, anyway.”

  Bam raised an eyebrow. “Really? How long?”

  Ville’s lips tugged up in a smirk. “That I’ll never tell.”

  Bam wanted to protest, but thought better of it. Perhaps he was better off not knowing.

  “Well... anyway... I just wanted to know...” He sighed. “Can we still be friends?”

  The question shocked Ville. He stared at Bam curiously, one dark brow raised.

  “What do you mean? Why not?” Ville asked, confused. “That’s entirely up to you, Bam.”

  Bam looked up at him. “Me?”

  Ville nodded and rolled his eyes in exasperation. “I can deal with just being friends. But can you?” Dark jade locked with crystal blue.

  Bam stopped to consider. Could he really stay friends with Ville, now that he knew the truth? He frowned. Ville was one of his best friends. He couldn’t stand to lose what they had, even if it wasn’t exactly what Ville wanted.

  “Friends,” he said, putting out his hand.

  “Friends,” Ville agreed, taking it. Ville winced when they shook on it, but Ville gave him a tentative smile. It didn’t reach his eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” Ville said then, casting his eyes away, retrieving his hand. “That you had to know. It was foolish of me.”

  Bam rolled his eyes. “I don’t care, Ville. I’m just sorry you feel that way. I guess it must be painful for you to see me with Missy?”

  Ville’s eyes flickered. “Yes,” he whispered, looking away again. “I’m sorry...”

  “Stop apologizing and lets go drinking,” Bam reasoned, shrugging. “I need a drink right now.”

  Ville smiled and nodded in agreement. “Alcohol sounds really good right now.”


	4. Heartache Every Moment

  “Stop apologizing and lets go drinking,” Bam reasoned, shrugging. “I need a drink right now.”

  Ville smiled and nodded in agreement. “Alcohol sounds really good right now.”

  Bam smiled and together they departed, meeting up with the rest of the party in the bar. They all seemed relieved to see Ville again.

  “Hey, man, where’d you go?” Dunn asked, clapping him on the back.

  Ville took a seat at the bar. “I just felt like having a day to myself. Sorry I made you guys worry.” He flashed them a smile. Bam grinned. He really was a good liar.

  “Okay, drinks all around!” Bam said, plunking down next to Ville and the rest of them. He hurriedly popped open a beer and took a swig. He smiled as it calmed his nerves.

  Soon they were all laughing and joking like usual, sitting around a booth, since it was easier than the bar. Most were already tipsy, others close to passing out on the table. Ville grabbed another beer and popped the top off, but winced. Bam felt it rather than saw it, and glanced over to the Finn. He had made the mistake of grabbing the beer with his right hand instead of his left. He frowned and quickly switched hands, placing the other under the table in his lap.

  “Hey, what’s with your hand, Ville?”

  Bam cursed. Why did Missy have to be so dang perceptive sometimes?

  Ville’s eyes lighted on hers, and he smiled. “Oh, it’s nothing. I just tripped over the rug in my room and fell on it wrong.”

  Bam raised an eyebrow. He was more cunning than he gave him credit for.

  Missy frowned. “Really? Let me see it.”

  Ville forced another halcyon smile. “No, really, it’s alright. It’ll be fine in a day or two.”

  Missy was glaring at him now. “Ville—.”

  “Missy,” Bam said, laying a hand over her arm, “Babe, just leave him alone—.”

  “Bam, it’s okay,” Ville murmured, jade eyes flickering to his face. He tried to smile now, but this time he just couldn’t manage it. He looked down and slowly drew his hand out from beneath the table, holding it up for Missy to see. Bam sighed in relief. His jacket sleeve was covering the bruises.

  But then Missy held her hand out.

  “Lemme see it,” she said, indicating to the appendage. Ville looked up at her with tired eyes, and wordlessly held it out to her, avoiding her gaze. She grasped his wrist and he winced, shutting his eyes briefly for a moment before he reopened them and forced another smile. She pulled back his sleeve and sucked in a shocked breath.

  “Ville, this is... How...?” Her eyes widened in horror as she turned his wrist over, causing the Finn to wince again. Bam’s eyes lighted on the wounds and he gasped; this time they looked worse than before. Now they were not only just purple, but blue and black and yellow, too. He felt suddenly sick. _He_ had done that to him.

  “Dude, what’s with your _hand?_ ” Raab gasped. Bam turned to see the rest of the group gawking at the horrific bruises. In an instant the hand disappeared, flying back into Ville’s lap. He hoisted up another fake smile.

  “It’s nothing. I’ll be fine in a day or two; don’t worry about me. It looks a lot worse than it actually is.”

  Bam resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Instead he turned back to the party.

  “You guys leave him alone. We’re not here to stare at him. We’re here to drink.”

  Ville sent Bam a inconspicuous, grateful glance. Bam returned it with the smallest of smiles.

  The group gradually sunk back into their earlier conversation, drinking and laughing again. Ville even attempted to join in; it got easier when he was drunk. Then he was slumped over the table with the rest of them, giggling like an idiot. Bam watched them all with amusement, still seated next to Missy.

  “Babe? Is Ville okay?”

  Bam turned to look at Missy, who was leaning up against him, stroking his shoulder thoughtfully. Her eyes were large and innocent, yet burning with curiosity at the same time.

  “Yeah. Why?”

  Her eyes narrowed.

  “He’s not himself, Bammy. He’s been acting real weird, and you know it. And his wrist—.” Bam flinched, frowning. “Something is wrong, Bam, you can’t deny that.”

  “Well what do you want me to do?” he whispered back, almost glaring at her. “Don’t think I haven’t done all I can.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “You know what’s wrong.” Not a question. A statement.

  Bam bit his lip. “Yes.”

  “And you won’t tell me?”

  “It’s not my secret to tell.”

  She sighed, but let it drop. “Fine. But do me a favor then, babe. Take him up to his room; make sure he gets some sleep. He looks like death. And do something about his hand. Are you sober enough for that?”

  Bam rolled his eyes. “Yes, I am.” He rose, stretching. “But I might not be back...”

  She waved it away. “Just take care of him, Bam. I’ll be alright for one night.”

  Bam’s eyes wandered over the other members of the group. “You sure?”

  Missy smiled. “I’m sure. Just go.”

  Bam shrugged and sauntered up to Ville, tapping him on the shoulder. The Finn turned and flashed him a huge, oblivious smile.

  “Ay, Bam!” he slurred, shutting his eyes for a minute. “Sup?”

  “Come on, Ville. Let’s get you back to your room.”

  “No!” he protested, clinging to the table in front of him. “I don’t wanna go back. I’m havin’ too mush fun.”

  Bam rolled his eyes as he grabbed him round the middle, pulling him away from the table. It wasn’t hard; Ville was still as weak as a kitten. Having accomplished his task he slung one of Ville’s arms over his shoulders to help him walk, then slowly started to make his way out of the bar.

  Ville didn’t put up much of a protest as Bam pulled him up to his room, but still babbled incoherently every once and a while. Finally reaching Ville’s suite Bam pulled the drunken rockstar into the bedroom, then into the bathroom. He seated Ville on the counter top while he rooted around the medicine cabinet, then pulled out the gauze bandages. He carefully lifted Ville’s arm, peeling back the fabric over his wound. But the Finn had other ideas and pulled the jacket off altogether, dropping it on the floor. Bam kicked it aside as he took Ville’s hand gently in his own, slowly wrapping the gauze around his wrist.

  Ville, drunk he was, felt the pain and winced, trying to pull away. But Bam grasped his arm, holding him in place.

  “Hold still, Ville, and it won’t hurt as much,” Bam reasoned, looking up into Ville’s face.

  “But it _really_ hurts,” he slurred, trying to pull away again. “Why are you doing that? I don’t want you to wrap my hand up. It hurts. Don’t touch!”

  Bam almost smiled at Ville’s childish protest. He was too drunk to act his age. “Just _hold still,_ and I’ll finish quicker.”

  Ville frowned, wincing again. “Too tight!” he whimpered, fingers twitching uncomfortably. Bam rolled his eyes and re-wrapped it so it wasn’t as snug. Ville flinched whenever Bam’s fingers brushed across his discolored skin, and Bam bit his lip. It really hurt Ville more than he let on.

  Finally he finished the wrapping, and pinned the end in place. “There! See? It wasn’t so bad.”

  Ville inspected the bandages, running a finger across them with his other hand. He winced, then he tried to get down from the counter. He slipped and Bam rushed forward, hauling him upright before he hit the floor.

  “Idiot,” Bam murmured, pulling him up to face him. Ville’s wide, child-like eyes locked on his face, and he smiled abruptly.

  “Hi, Bam,” he said, as if he had just noticed him there.

  “Hey, Ville,” Bam snickered. Ville was really funny when he was drunk. Sure, it was mean of him to think so, but he just couldn’t help it. Ville was hilarious.

  “Mmm, Bam,” Ville murmured, hugging him. Bam stiffened as the Finn buried his head into his shoulder; his soft, dark curls brushing across Bam’s cheek. Ville sighed in content. Bam stood frozen, unsure whether to drag Ville to bed or to just stand there with him hugging him. But then Ville leaned back slightly to look into Bam’s eyes and smiled again, staring into the skater’s face. It made Bam nervous.

  But compared to what the Finn did next, it wasn’t nearly as unnerving.

  Ville freed his right hand, reaching up to Bam’s face. The skater tensed again as his cold fingers brushed across his cheek. He wanted to pull away, but it felt like some unseen force was holding him in place. The icy hand brushed across his cheek again then stopped to rest there, making Bam jump. But suddenly, as if against his will, he tilted his head into Ville’s palm, causing Ville to wince again. They both froze now, but then Ville brought up his other hand, placing it on the other side of his face. Their eyes locked; dark jade green and light sky blue. Ville leaned in closer, his soft breath tickling Bam’s skin. The skater shuddered, but was otherwise frozen. Then Ville closed the rest of the distance between them, pressing his lips gently against Bam’s.

  Bam shocked himself when he started kissing him back.

  Ville’s lips moved with his, his hands moving to knot themselves into Bam’s hair. Bam’s hands, previously hanging limp at his sides, shocked him more as they moved to wrap themselves around Ville’s slim waist, latching them together.

  It was so wrong.

  But it was too amazing.

  Ville’s lips quickened, his breath speeding up. Bam, too, gasped for breath, but seemed unable to tear away from the rockstar. But as suddenly as it begun, it stopped. Ville sagged in his arms, smiling drunkenly. Bam just stood there, staring down at him, wide-eyed and confused.

  What the heck had just happened?

  He shook it off as he dragged Ville over to the bed, laying him down. The Finn didn’t even open his eyes, his head lolling on the pillow; one hand crossed over his chest, the other stretched out next to him. Bam sat down beside him and just gaped, still stunned by what had just happened. Though he was really more appalled of his own reactions.

  One, he’d let Ville kiss him.

  Two, he’d kissed Ville back.

  Three, he’d _enjoyed_ it.

  He shook his head. What the heck was wrong with him?! He was straight. Or was he? No! He loved Missy. He’d had sex with lots of girls. Never a guy. He’d never thought twice about a guy.

  Then why couldn’t he get Ville out of his head?

  He should have realized long ago. All the signs were there. He loved everything about the foreign rockstar: the tattoos, the music, his looks, his voice. Anything and everything about him had fascinated him.

  Bam swore. This was all so wrong.

  He jumped as a cold hand touched his, and he turned to look down at Ville. Ville just smiled up at him from his place on the bed, then gently tugged at Bam’s arm, meaning clear. Bam hesitated for just a moment, then lay down next to him. Ville scooted closer and Bam stiffened as he wrapped his arms around him, but otherwise remained still. The contact felt... nice?

 Ville sighed contentedly and rested his head on Bam’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. A short while later he was asleep again, giving off a soft snore every once and a while. Bam felt compelled to stay awake, but his lids were suddenly heavy, and before he could stop himself he slipped out of consciousness.


	5. In Your Sweetest Torment

  Bam woke with a groan the next morning, reaching up a hand to shield his eyes from the obnoxious light filtering in through the window. His head was throbbing, and the bright light wasn’t helping it at all. He groaned again.

  There was a small movement, and his eyes wandered curiously downward. As they reached the source of the motion they popped wide, and Bam froze.

  Ville was still asleep, his head pressed against Bam’s chest, arms wrapped around his middle. Bam’s arms were wrapped around him, too, latched around his back.

  Bam’s eyes widened further as he recalled the events from the previous evening. His muscles knotted up, utterly frozen.

  It was all so wrong.

  But would Ville even remember? His eyes snapped back down to the sleeping rockstar. He _was_ really drunk. Maybe too drunk to recall what happened?

  Bam swore again, and slowly moved to unclasp Ville’s arms from around his waist. But Ville moved, frowning, and held on. Bam sighed in exasperation and tried again, but this time Ville’s eyes fluttered open and he leaned back, gazing sleepily into Bam’s eyes. They stared at each other for a moment before Ville’s jade eyes widened in shock, and he looked down, dark curls bouncing with the quick movement. In a flash he’d removed himself from Bam, but he moved to fast and lost his balance, rolling off the edge of the bed and onto the floor with a muffled ‘oof!’

  Bam couldn’t help it. He cracked up laughing.

  “You okay, Walo?” he snickered as he crawled over to the edge of the bed, looking down at Ville on the floor.

  “Oh, peachy, Bam,” he muttered, pulling himself up with his left hand to sit Indian-style on the carpet. He rubbed the back of his head, one eye closed. “Ouch.”

  Bam tried to stifle his laughter. Ville’s jade eyes locked with his and he frowned.

  “Not funny. Scaring the heck out of me first thing in the morning,” he muttered as he put a hand over his heart, expression wide-eyed and shocked. “I thought I might’ve had a heart attack.”

  “It was very funny and you know it,” Bam protested, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He offered Ville a hand, which he took.

  “Um, maybe to _you,_ ” the Finn huffed as he pulled him up. “You weren’t the one who had to land on the floor.”

  Bam rolled his eyes and shrugged. “Do you have any aspirin or something? My head is killing me.”

  Ville nodded. “In the medicine cabinet. Get me one, too. I’ve got a slitting headache.”

  Bam nodded as he found the bottle in the bathroom and shook the pills into his hand.

  “How much did I drink last night?” he heard Ville ask from the bedroom.

  “A lot,” Bam said, handing him the pills and a glass of water. “Can’t you remember?”

  Ville’s eyes wandered up to the ceiling. “Um... not all of it. I remember you helping me to my room, and then... something else...” His brows furrowed together in annoyance. “It’s all fuzzy...”

  Bam realized he’d been holding his breath, and he let it out slowly. “Aw, it’s okay. I just helped you up here and fixed your hand for you.”

  “Ay?” Ville said, looking down at the bandages. “Oh. Thanks.”

  Bam snickered, remembering. “You’re welcome.”

  Ville raised an eyebrow. “What?”

 

 

  Bam shook his head, still smiling. “Nothing. Forget it.”

  Ville stared at him a moment longer before he shrugged and stretched, yawning.

  “I’m going to go take a shower, okay? Are you gonna go back to your room?”

  Bam thought about it, and the possibilities of who else might be in his room. “Naw, I’ll stay here, if that’s okay.”

  Ville shrugged and nodded, grabbing a change of clothes before he trekked into the bathroom. Bam heard him turn on the shower and the water rain down, so he turned to the TV, flicking it on. A while later Ville emerged from the room followed by a cloud of steam, his wet hair hanging in stringy, dark ringlets. He looked at Bam and smiled, eyes bright.

  “Feels nice to be clean,” he said, sitting down on the bed as he pulled on his shoes again.

  Bam nodded. “Yeah.”

  “Any word from the rest of them?”

  “Nope,” Bam said, looking at his watch. “And I doubt we’ll hear anything until at least one or two...”

  Suddenly Ville stiffened and Bam turned to look at him, eyebrows knitted together. Ville was still sitting on the bed, having just finished tying his other shoe, utterly frozen with his eyes wide.

  “What’s wrong?” Bam asked. Ville’s behavior was freaking him out.

  He didn’t move; instead he continued to stare off into nothing, still rooted in place. Bam got up from the couch and went to stand in front of him, shaking him.

  “Ville! Snap out of it! What’s wrong?”

  Then Ville’s eyes snapped up to his face, his own face suddenly very pale. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out; instead he just gaped at Bam. It was unnerving.

  “Dang it, Ville, what the heck is wrong with you? Speak!”

  “I... you... we... last night...” the Finn stuttered, jade eyes wide with shock. Bam stiffened. He’d remembered.

  The skater took a step back, distancing himself from the rocker. They stared at each other in awkward silence for a moment before Ville spoke.

  “I’m... so sorry...” he whispered, expression pained. He ran a hand over his eyes. “I can’t believe I did that. Even if I was drunk. God, I’m so sorry, Bam—.”

  “Shut up, Walo.” Ville looked up at Bam again, confused. Bam was smiling. “Come here.”

  Ville slowly got up from the bed, taking a tentative step toward Bam. What was he thinking? Was he mad at him about the kiss?

  “Come on, I’m not going to hurt you, you big baby,” Bam said, rolling his eyes. Ville took another tentative step toward him, so now he stood right in front of the young skater.

  “I’m not mad or anything, okay?” he said gently. Ville stared at him, hard. Bam had never acted like this before. It was scaring him.

  “You’re not mad?” he asked carefully, incredulous. “Really?”

  Bam shook his head, eyes darting away. Ville stared at him quizzically a moment before Bam turned back to him, taking a deep breath.

  Then he reached up to Ville’s face, gently pulling him closer, and their lips met in a gentle kiss.

  Ville froze up for a split second out of shock before he started kissing Bam back, tentatively wrapping his arms around his waist. Bam continued on in the slow kiss; careful, cautious. Like he was testing him out.

  Half of Ville was screaming for him to push Bam away. He didn’t know if he could stand being so close like this, his lips locked with the skater’s, and just walk away when it was all over. He was very much in danger of hoping just a little too much, his mind running wild with errant, incoherent thoughts. But the other half of him was clinging to Bam for dear life, desperately kissing him back. He was like a poison; one taste and he was doomed. But he didn’t care; couldn’t care. All he could think about were Bam’s lips on his and his hands around his waist.

  But then Bam pulled away and cast his eyes downward, face flushing a brilliant red. Ville stared at him, his breath catching in his throat. His heart was hammering against his chest, but as he realized what had just happened, he cast his eyes down, too, blush burning in his cheeks. What had he done?

  Bam bit his lip, peeking up at Ville. Ville was still staring at the floor, his face flushed; ashamed. Bam’s head was spinning, his thoughts bouncing off the walls of his mind and back again. He had kissed Ville. _He_ had kissed Ville. Not the other way around. What was wrong with him?

  He shook his head. It was all so wrong.

  But it felt so right.

  “I’m sorry,” Bam managed, and Ville glanced up at him, then away.

  “I’m sorry,” Ville said, shaking his head. “This is all my fault...”

  Bam shook his head then, glaring at the floor. “I kissed you,” he whispered, almost too soft to hear. But Ville looked up, and slowly took a step toward him. Bam jumped as he felt Ville’s cold fingers on his face, gently lifting up his chin to look into his eyes. Glistening jade met crystal blue, and Ville gave him a small, melancholy smile.

  “I’m so sorry, Bam. That I’ve messed everything up. This should have never happened. I’ve ruined everything. You belong with Missy and the rest of them. I’m treading ground where I’ve never belonged, and never will. Go now. Go to Missy and Raab and Dunn and all the rest. Forget about me.”

  Bam stared at him, his stomach sinking. Ville was going to leave? “You don’t have to leave,” he whispered, heart throbbing.

  Ville shook his head. “You know I do.”

  Bam grabbed onto his arm. “I don’t want you to leave,” he said instead, eyes pleading. Ville faltered.

  “Bam, what place do I have here?” he whispered, jade eyes dark and pained. “What happens if I slip and your friends see? What will they think of me? Of _you_? And what about Missy?”

  “Stop mentioning her _name_ ,” Bam hissed, taking a step back. Ville’s face crumpled, and he sighed.

  “Look what I’ve done,” he murmured, “Look what I’ve done to you. This should have never happened. I screwed up. I’m so sorry, Bam.”

  Bam reached forward again, grabbing onto Ville’s arm. “Will you stop saying sorry already? Look, let’s just go down to breakfast, like nothing happened, okay? We can work this all out later. You don’t have to leave, alright?”

  Ville tried to look serious, he really did, but Bam’s pleading eyes just shattered his careful composure.

  “Alright,” he said tiredly, running his good hand through his still-damp hair. “We’ll discuss this later. Let’s go and get something to eat.”

  Bam grinned and dragged him toward the door and then down into the breakfast room next to the lobby. The sat down together and ordered their breakfast, but Bam noticed Ville picking at his food, shoving it around his plate rather than eating it. It worried Bam.

  “Ville, you really should eat something.”

  His jade eyes remained on his plate. “I’m not really that hungry.”

  Bam rolled his eyes. “Just eat the food, Ville.”

  “I said—.”

  “I know what you said, but you lost your privilege. Eat. Your. Breakfast.”

  Ville’s jade eyes flickered curiously up to Bam’s face. “Why? What’s with you all of a sudden?”

  Bam sighed. “You’re skin and bone, Ville. You look like a walking skeleton. You’ve lost a lot of weight over the past few months; don’t try to deny it, I’ve seen you. And when I carried you up to my room a couple nights ago you felt like you weighed almost nothing. That is not good for you. It’s made you as weak as a kitten and you bruise like a banana.” His agonized eyes flickered to his bandaged wrist. “Just eat something, please?”

  Ville’s lips pressed into a thin line. Bam really was more perceptive than he gave him credit for. It was true over the last few months he’d gotten a lot thinner, ‘pining away’ as some might call it. He opened his mouth to protest.

  “For me?” Bam said, his eyes wide and pleading. Ville faltered, shutting his mouth. After a moment he spoke.

  “How dare you use your charm,” he muttered darkly, stabbing his fork into his eggs. Bam grinned, sitting back in his seat. Just as Ville finished Missy walked up to the table, sliding in next to Bam.

  “Hey, sweetie,” she said, planting a kiss on his cheek. He saw Ville cringe slightly out of the corner of his eye.

  “Hey babe,” he greeted her, kissing her back. “Have a good night?”

  She shrugged. “Nothing much happened after you guys left. I went up to the room not much later. How are you this morning, Ville?”

  Ville jumped at being addressed; he had been staring deeply into his coffee. He looked up at her and smiled.

  “Wonderful, thank you.”

  She smiled back at him. “And your hand?”

  Ville gave her another dazzling, fake smile as he held up the bandaged appendage. “Bam doctored me up. I’m fit as a fiddle now.”

  She smiled again, flashing her perfect white teeth. “That’s great.”

  He nodded and glanced away. A perfect time to make his escape. “Well, I guess I’ll just head up to my room. See you later, guys.”

  Before Bam could protest Ville had slipped out of his seat, beating feet toward the exit. Bam mentally swore.

  “Ville looks a lot better today, Bammy. I’m glad you stayed with him last night.”

  Bam gave her a forced smile. “Yeah, me too.” Now he needed to track Ville down again. “I still don’t trust him alone...”

  Missy frowned. “Are you ever going to tell me what’s the matter with him?”

  Bam sighed as he stood, staring after Ville’s retreating back. “Maybe someday, but not now. It’s too soon.”

  Missy stared hard at him, searching his face before she sighed. “Alright. Go after him. Watch him, babe. Don’t let him do anything stupid.”

  “I’ll try,” Bam muttered darkly as he gave her another kiss on the cheek, then darted after Ville.

  He caught up with him at the elevator.

  “Bam!” Ville said, eyes wide. “Why aren’t you with Missy?”

  “I’m not letting you get away that easy. I still don’t trust you at all.”

  Ville rolled his eyes. “You worry too much.”

  “Do I?”

  “ _Yes,_ ” he replied, stepping into the elevator. Bam followed.

  “I’m just making sure you’re not going to run off as soon as you get the chance.”

  Ville barked a laugh. “I was right; you worry too much.”

  “Well, that all depends. _Are_ you going to run off?”

  Ville rolled his eyes. “How can I with you snapping at my heels?”

  Bam frowned. Ville was avoiding his question, and he knew it. He really would have to watch him carefully.

  Bam followed Ville out of the elevator and back to his room, where they both entered. Ville went over to his bed and sat down, almost glaring at Bam, but his eyes were dark, like it was painful.

  “So are you just going to watch me all day?”

  Bam gave him a curt nod, plunking himself down in a chair. “And I wanted to talk to you.”

  “About what?”

  “About... everything.”

  Ville raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes.  “That’s a lot to talk about. Wherever will we start?”

  Bam scowled at his sarcasm. “Please, Ville, take this seriously. I just want you to listen to what I have to say for one moment.”

  Ville’s expression softened as he stared at Bam, his mouth hanging open slightly. Bam’s face was set and grave, something Ville thought he would never see. Bam? Serious? He didn’t think it was possible.

  “Alright,” Ville murmured, no hint of sarcasm now, “Go ahead.”

  Bam heaved a sigh, letting his breath out slowly. He looked down at his hands, lacing them together nervously. “First thing, I don’t blame you... for anything. Your confession. The kiss... kisses. I don’t want you to think that you’ve ruined my life or something, because you haven’t. I’m more afraid... that I’ve ruined yours.”

  Ville stared at him blankly for a moment, lost for words. “Huh?” he managed. It wasn’t elegant, but it would do.

  Bam looked up at him then. “You love me. And I...”

  Ville held up a hand, silencing the skater. “Bam, it’s okay. We’ll just try and go on like normal, alright? I’ll get over it. It’s no big deal.” He bit his lip as he tried to hide the real truth in his lie. He would never get over Bam... no matter how hard he tried. He’d already been trying for years. “Just forget about it. Or try to, at least.”

  Bam bit his lip, his expression torn. “But Ville, listen, I—.”

  There was a sudden, sharp knock at the door and both heads whipped around. Ville sighed and got up to answer it.

  “Oh, Raab. Looking for Bam?”

  “Yeah, is he...?”

  “Yes. Won’t you come in?”

  Raab stared at him like he was crazy. “Okay?”

  Ville rolled his eyes as Raab slipped past him and into the bedroom. It was always forgot his  manners were wasted when he was entertaining Bam’s friends.

  “Bam! Where ya been, man? I’ve been looking for you everywhere, and Missy said you were with Ville...”

  “Yeah, we were just talking. What’s up?”

  “Dude, there’s gonna be a Bloodhound Gang concert tonight in the theater downtown! Man, we gotta go.”

  “No way, really? Sweet! I’ll call up Jimmy Pop and Evil Jared to tell ‘em we’re coming. Did you tell Dunn and Dico?”

  “No, I’ll go tell ‘em now.”

  “Sweet! Get it going, man.”

  Raab grinned and beat feet out of the room, shutting the door behind him. For a moment, Bam had completely forgotten about Ville, already absorbed in his future plans for the concert.

  “You should go,” Ville murmured softly, and Bam jumped.

  “Oh, yeah. Okay. Um, I’ll call you later with the details, okay?” He was already walking toward the door.

  “Sure,” Ville said, smiling as Bam slipped out of the room, waving back at him before he did so. Then Ville sank down onto his bed, running his hand over his eyes. Then he turned to grab his black bag, slowly gathering up his few belongings. As he finished he called the airport to make arrangements and then tore a page from his notebook, scrawling a letter to Bam. It wouldn’t matter now if he disappeared. It would be better for them all.

  But even knowing this, Ville could not suppress the single, silvery tear that rolled down his cheek as he left the note atop his bed and turned to leave.


	6. Razorblade Kiss

   _“Dear Bam,_

_I hope you will understand one day why I’m leaving you now. I know you didn’t want me to go, but it will be easier this way. For the both of us._

_I’m so sorry it had to end this way. I hope you can forgive me. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s all my fault. I’m just sorry I hurt you in the process. But you belong with Missy; I wish you both a happy, long life together. Just forget about me. I’m so sorry, Bam, truly. Never forget that._

_I love you._

_Ville.”_

 

  He read through the letter twice before it slipped from his numb fingers, floating slowly back down onto the bedspread. His knees felt like rubber as he slowly lowered himself down onto the bed, his head in his hands. He lay back on the comforter, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He turned his head to the side, eyes locking with Ville’s goodbye letter to him. He sat up again and snatched it up, reading through it once more as if the words had changed in the few moments he had set it aside. He didn’t even know he was crying until a single, silvery tear fell from his lashes onto the letter. He reached up a tentative hand to his face, then he brought it back down in front of his eyes to examine his now-wet fingertips with awe. He looked back to the letter, squinting his eyes, trying to read it. But it was impossible now and he fell back, blinded by his haze of tears. He bit his lip. What was wrong with him? So what if Ville left? He was probably right, anyway. It would be better for the both of them if he left.

  Bam flipped over onto his stomach, burying his face into the covers. He breathed in the lingering scent of cigarette smoke and of Ville’s cologne that still resided on the bed sheets. It was strangely calming. His heart throbbed as he thought of Ville again.

  If this was better, then why did he suddenly feel less whole?

 -x-

  Ville sighed in exasperation as his frozen fingers fumbled with the key to his apartment. He finally slipped the key into the elusive keyhole, turning it in the lock. He thankfully stepped inside, shutting the door after him. He shivered, rubbing his hands together as he glided over to the thermostat to crank up the heat. Satisfied with his task, he grinned and tugged his green scarf tighter around his neck as he walked over to the couch, removing his black bag from his tired shoulders. It had been another long, hard day of recording, and all he wanted was just a strong drink and then to crash in his bed. Or the couch, if he didn’t make it so far.

  He stepped into the kitchen and opened up a cabinet, selecting one of the numerous alcohol-containing bottles that resided there. He poured himself a glass and moved back into the living room, patting his back pocket absentmindedly for his cigarettes. He cursed. He remembered he’d used the last of them today and had forgotten to buy some on the way home, being so determined to get out of the cold as fast as he could. Then he suddenly remembered he’d left a pack in his bedroom and he set down his drink, shuffling off to find them. He could never truly relax if he didn’t have a smoke.

  Pushing open his bedroom door he slipped inside the cluttered room, scanning around for the pack. He sighed in exasperation as he continued his search, making a vague mental note to clean his room once and a while.

  He moved over to the small night stand next to his bed, tugging open the drawer to root around inside. He barked a small laugh of triumph as he found the cigarettes, wrapping his long, slender fingers around them as he pulled them out. As he shut the drawer he glanced at his bed and paused, staring down at it. There was a small, dingy-looking bit of paper resting atop his covers, folded over several times. He stooped down to snatch it with his bony fingers, bringing it up to his face. He stuffed the pack of cigarettes into his back pocket to free his other hand and turned back to the note, turning it over in his hands. He couldn’t figure out why it was there. It looked like it had been opened and read numerous times; the paper worn and soft with use. His finger slipped under a fold, slowly opening up the note.

  He unfolded it and brought it up to his face, jade eyes quickly scanning across the page. His eyes widened in shock as he read on, nearly dropping the note. He stood frozen, staring at it with wide eyes, shocked and confused all at the same time. It was the very letter he had written to Bam almost a year ago as his final farewell. He looked closer, scrutinizing the page, fingers brushing across the black, fuzzy ink. There were several places where Ville’s scrawled writing was nearly unreadable from water stains. Water... or tears?

  His heart felt as if it was in his throat as he let the note drop to his bed, reaching up a hand to run over his eyes. He felt terrible. What had he done? Then his eyes snapped back down to the letter. How had that letter gotten here? In his apartment? In his bedroom? He snatched the letter up again, reading through it once more.

  “Figured out how that got here yet?”

  Ville blanched, dropping the letter in shock. He went rigid, afraid to turn toward the voice at the door. He almost didn’t want to turn. He knew what he would see.

  “I kinda guessed,” he whispered, still staring at the wall before him. “Hello, Bam.”

  “Hey, Ville,” Bam said just as quietly, his voice oddly soft. “Sorry if I scared you.”

  Ville’s lips tugged up in a melancholy smirk. “That’s a bit of an understatement.”

  He heard Bam chuckle, and he shivered. How he had missed the sound of that laugh.

  “Well, I knew I just couldn’t waltz up to your door. You’re really hard to get a hold of, you know that?”

  It was Ville’s turn to chuckle now. “Well, that’s the idea, being a rockstar and all.”

  They lapsed into silence for a moment.

  “Ville?”

  “Mm?”

  “Why won’t you look at me?”

  Ville hesitated just a moment. “I... I’m afraid of what I may see,” he whispered truthfully, embarrassed.

  Bam was silent for a moment. “Ville, look at me.”

  Ville didn’t move.

  “Ville, please, just look at me,” Bam said, his voice low and soft, tempting Ville to turn. He tried so hard not to, but he gave in. He knew when he ran away he couldn’t avoid Bam forever.

  He slowly turned from the wall, keeping his eyes trained on the wooden floor. Then they slowly made their way up to Bam’s face, meeting his amazing crystal blue eyes that Ville had always adored. He gasped now, his heart in his throat. Bam was just the same as ever, still so beautiful and perfect. Ville froze up, eyes darting away in embarrassment. His heart was pounding in his chest, and his eyes longed to return to the perfect, angelic face, but he denied himself, keeping his eyes trained on the floor in front of him.

  “Ville, just look at me, okay? I have some things to tell you.”

  Ville’s eyes slowly came to rest on his sky-blue ones, and his mind blanked.

  “Something to tell me?” he asked slowly, concentrating on coherent thought. Why did Bam affect him so? Maybe since they’d been apart for so long he’d lost his careful control.

  “Yeah,” Bam said, smiling. Ville was stunned for a moment, and simply nodded weakly, lost for words.

  Bam motioned him into the living room, seating himself on the couch. Ville tentatively sat opposite him, facing him. He spread his hands.

  “What did you want to talk about?” he asked, regaining his careful composure. Perhaps it had just been the shock of seeing Bam after so long that had gotten to him.

  Bam gave him a shy grin. “Well, first of all, I’m going to be in Finland for a couple months for Ruisrock.”

  Ville nodded in understanding. Of course Bam would be going to Ruisrock.

  “Okay. That’s great. Who are you going with this time?”

  “The crew, Ape and Phil, the Dudesons, and whoever else wants to come.”

  Ville nodded, but then frowned, thinking. Wasn’t someone missing? He shook the thought off and turned back to Bam.

  “Alright. What else?”

  “Well, I’ll be shooting an episode for Viva La Bam here as well, with the Dudesons and others.”

  Ville nodded again. “Of course.” He had the feeling there was something Bam wasn’t telling him.

  “And I came to meet up with you again to tell you something.” Bam’s eyes suddenly sparkled, and Ville looked at him questioningly. What was Bam so excited about? He was making Ville nervous.

  “What is it, Bam?” Ville said, suddenly agitated.

  Bam’s grin widened. “I’ll tell you in a minute. But first, I need to see something.”

  Ville’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion as Bam stood from the couch, moving to stand in front of Ville.

  “Get up.”

  “Why?”

  “Just do it, Walo,” Bam said, rolling his eyes. Ville gave him one more questioning look before he stood, facing Bam.

  Then Bam circled around him, eyes raking over his slim form. Ville felt self conscious.

  “Bam, what the heck are you doing?” Ville asked, tensing as Bam’s eyes raked over his body.

  “Take off your coat.”

  “What?! No! Why?” Ville protested, grabbing hold of the front of his coat as if he was afraid Bam might rip it from his shoulders. Which may not have been such an irrational fear.

  “Just do it, Ville. I want to see something.”

  “ _What_ on _earth_ do you want to see?!”

  “You think too much. Just take off your jacket. You can put it right back on, okay?”

  Ville sighed as he slipped it off his shoulders and lay it down on the couch, leaving him clad only in a band tee, long-sleeved shirt and jeans. Then he turned back to Bam, spreading his arms.

  “Well?”

  Bam narrowed his eyes, then slowly approached him. Ville tensed as Bam got closer, still scrutinizing him. Bam was really starting to freak him out.

  But suddenly Bam’s crystal eyes snapped up to Ville’s face, locking with his dark jade eyes. Ville was abruptly lost in his sky-blue hues and froze, staring straight back at him. Bam smiled and reached up to his face, causing Ville to flinch slightly as his warm fingers brushed his cheek. He knew he should pull away but as his eyes held Bam’s he knew he could not, and remained frozen. Bam’s other hand came up to brush his other cheek, and Ville suppressed a shiver. Bam gave him another reassuring smile and leaned in toward him, his eyes slowly closing. Ville’s eyes as well were gradually shutting, almost against his will, as he leaned in toward Bam.

  As Bam’s lips pressed softly against his Ville could barely control himself, his hands jumping up from hanging limp at his sides to latching themselves onto Bam’s hips. Bam’s hands, too, slipped down from Ville’s face to his chest, wandering idly across his torso, waist and back. Ville’s mind blanked as he slowly kissed Bam back, his lips moving on their own accord. How much he’d longed for this. His heart was hammering in his chest, his very blood heating up beneath his skin. But suddenly he came to his senses, realizing what was happening.

  It took an amazing amount of willpower, but Ville pushed away from Bam, staggering back a few steps. His jade eyes snapped up to Bam’s face, filled with shock, anger and confusion all at the same time. Bam frowned at him.

  “You’re still so thin,” he murmured sadly, sky hues oddly dark. “I’d hoped you would have been better by now.”

  Ville mustered up a glare. “This is wrong,” he said through his teeth, his heart still going wild, head spinning. It took an insane amount of control for him now not to pull Bam back, crushing his lips to his own.

  “Are you worried about Missy?” Bam asked idly, a small, shy smile tugging at his lips.

  Ville gave him a curt nod.

  Bam sighed and shook his head, casting his gaze back down to the ground.

  “Here’s where I tell you what’s happened this whole past year,” he murmured, glancing up at the Finn before he went back to staring at the floor.

  “After you left, I was devastated. I felt like everything was just caving in on me. I knew this was better for the both of us, but still, it hurt so bad for you to leave. I kept that note all that time, reading it over an over again when no one was around. I never told them. Couldn’t. I wouldn’t do that to you.

  “But Missy knew something was wrong. She was fine with me not telling her. She was always so patient and kind with me. I wonder now how she did it. After you left, I was a wreck. I wasn’t _me_ anymore. I couldn’t figure it out, either.

  “But then one day I did. I knew what I had to do. So I did it. It killed me to do it, but I did it...

  “I broke up with Missy.”

  Ville’s jaw dropped. “You broke up with _Missy?_ But you were like soul mates! I thought you were going to ask her to marry you! Why would you do that, Bam?”

  Bam held up a hand to silence the Finn. “I was going to ask her to marry me, but before I did, I realized I didn’t love her anymore. I realized... I love... you.”

  He looked up at him then, crystal blue locking with striking jade.

  Ville was speechless. His mouth moved, but no words came. He felt like someone had pulled the rug out form under him.

  “What?” he breathed, sure he had heard him wrong. “I’m sorry, what did you just—?”

  “I said I love you, Ville,” Bam said softly, smiling at him. “I realize that now. I’ve loved you for a long time, too. I just didn’t realize it.”

  He took a tentative step toward Ville.

  “Well? What do you have to say?” he whispered, as if his very voice might break the strange fragileness that had descended around them.

  Ville stood utterly motionless for a moment, his eyes still locked with the skater’s. Then with three great strides he grabbed Bam’s shoulders, crushing the younger boy’s body against his, lips pressed urgently against Bam’s.

  Bam didn’t miss a beat, kissing him back with the same fiery passion. Ville’s hands slipped down from his shoulders and over his chest, feeling the toned muscles beneath Bam’s shirt. Bam shuddered and ran his hands behind Ville’s back, pulling him closer still. Bam moaned into Ville’s mouth and broke for air, but Ville took the chance to explore his jaw line, trailing kisses across his cheek to his ear. He nipped him lightly, causing Bam just jump slightly and moan again. Ville’s lips immediately were back to his, his tongue begging entrance. Bam obliged, letting Ville explore his mouth. He could feel Ville pushing him back slowly, but they abruptly stopped as Bam’s legs came into contact with the couch. Ville had other ideas, reaching up to shove him. He fell back, almost as if in slow motion, looking back up at Ville standing over him. Ville’s eyes were a smoldering jade, and he was panting, face tinged with pink. Bam grinned back up at him, his blue eyes dancing, face flushed. He reached his arms out and Ville took them, straddling him on the couch. Bam groaned again as Ville’s hands roamed over his chest, icy fingers trailing seductively over his heated flesh. He reached up to grasp Ville’s scarf, gently tugging him down so he could kiss him again. Ville obliged, his lips crushing Bam’s. Ville smiled as he bit down on Bam’s lip lightly, raking his teeth gently across it before he released it, causing Bam to moan again. He grinned and moved his hands behind Bam’s head, taking a fistful of his dark hair in his hands, snapping his head back. He trailed kisses down the column of flesh now presented to him, and a pleasant shudder rippled through Bam’s body. He grinned as be bit down on his shoulder, causing Bam to jump slightly, grinding his hips into Ville’s. They both moaned and Ville’s lips returned to Bam’s once more in another crushing kiss. Bam’s hands reached up to his torso, trailing across his chest. Ville’s breath hitched as he did so, causing the rockstar to shudder and snap his head back, jade eyes drifting shut. Bam grinned and raked his hands over his chest, then pulled up his shirt with one hand, resting the other across the heartagram tattoo stretched across the heated flesh of his abdomen. Ville shuddered again and reached down to Bam’s chest, running his hands over the toned muscles beneath his skin. Ville brought his lips back down onto Bam’s just as a sound pierced the air around them.

  A phone.


	7. Ripping Out the Wings of a Butterfly

  They both paused, panting. The phone rang again, and Ville’s lips twitched up in a smirk.

  “Is that your phone, Bammy?” he purred, grinning down at the beautiful creature below him.

  Bam swore under his breath. “I’m ignoring it,” he told him, pulling Ville back down to his level. Ville resisted.

  “Answer it, or they may come looking for you,” he breathed into the skater’s ear, nipping it as he did so. “You know they would.”

  Bam rolled his eyes and nodded, fumbling in his pocket for the annoying ringing object. He glanced at the caller ID before he answered.

  “What, Raab?” he nearly growled, face slipping into an angry pout as he listened to his friend on the other line. “No, how should I know where he is? I didn’t bring him with me. I’ll be back _later,_ okay? Not now. Yeah, I’ll be at the bar later.”

  Ville watched him, impassively, when suddenly a devilish grin crept across his expression. He leaned down to Bam, still laying on the couch beneath him, and nipped his neck lightly. Bam bridled, trying to continue on in his phone call. Ville grinned again and reached out his hands, raking them slowly over his chest. Bam shuddered and tensed, shutting his eyes.

  “Raab, I’ve gotta go,” he squeaked into the phone, sending Ville a glare. Ville smiled innocently back at him.

  Ville leaned over and raked his hands slowly over Bam’s chest, his fingertips dancing across Bam’s heated flesh. Bam’s eyes drifted shut and he sucked in a shocked breath, but quickly snapped out of it, shaking his head vigorously at Ville.

  “What was that, Raab?” he said, struggling to listen to his friend on the other line. Ville grinned and leaned in once more, biting his neck gently. Bam bridled again and tried to keep talking to Raab, but Ville licked his neck, and Bam melted. His breath escaped his lips in an audible hiss. Ville grinned into his neck, nibbling it again. But suddenly he was flipped over, rolling off the couch and onto the floor.

  “I’ve got to go, Raab. Call you later, okay? Bye.” Bam sighed impatiently as he hung up the phone and turned it off, sending Ville a glare.

  “You couldn’t wait five minutes for me to get Raab off my tail?” Bam growled, though a small smirk was tugging at his lips.

  Ville grinned up at him from his place on the floor. “Sorry, Bammy. I couldn’t help myself,” he purred, emerald hues sparkling. In an instant Bam was on him, straddling Ville this time.

  “Well, now it’s _my_ turn,” he breathed, pinning Ville’s wrists above him as he leaned down to Ville, capturing his lips in another passionate kiss. Bam rocked his hips forward slightly, and Ville tensed, but then moaned into the kiss, his jade eyes fluttering. Bam grinned and rocked forward again, grinding his hips into Ville’s. The Finn moaned again, louder this time, his hands straining against Bam’s. But Bam held his grip, still pegging him to the ground, and leaned down to Ville’s neck. He gently nibbled the soft skin there, licking the pallid flesh every once and a while. Ville’s eyes drifted shut as he breathed in, smiling dreamily. It all felt so good... so _right._ How had he ever lived without this?

  Bam paused for a moment and Ville opened his eyes, staring silently up into Bam’s crystal blue hues. He smiled, and Bam released one of his hands so that he could reach up to his face, caressing the skater’s cheek softly with his bony fingers.

  “I love you, Bam,” he whispered, his eyes never leaving Bam’s.

  “I love you, Ville,” Bam breathed back, reaching up his own hand to hold Ville’s to his face. He smiled. “I missed you.”

  “As did I,” Ville replied, “More than you can ever know.”

  “I doubt that.”

  Ville grinned again, staring up into the blue hues. “So, what now, my love?” he asked in his low, velvety tones. Bam shivered.

  “Um... you come to the bar with me?” he suggested. After seeing Ville after a whole year, he wasn’t about to let the elusive Finn out of his sight.

  “Done deal,” Ville replied, grinning. “But I’m afraid you might have to get off me if I do...”

  Bam pouted as he realized this. He didn’t want to move quite yet. “Do I have to?”

  Ville chuckled, sending trills up Bam’s spine. “Yes, sweetheart, you do. But don’t worry... we can pick this up again later, if you’d like. I’m all for it if you do.”

  Bam couldn’t help himself. He leaned down and kissed Ville again, pressing himself as close to the Finn as possible. After a moment he leant up, gasping for breath, as was Ville, still laying beneath him.

  “God, why do you have to be so damn beautiful?” Bam panted, grinning. “You’re too tempting.”

  Ville chuckled, his laugh resonating in his chest. “I was about to say the very same for you, my love,” he breathed, grinning up at him.

  Bam grinned but reluctantly rolled off him, laying on his back next to him on the floor. A sudden thought struck him.

  “What are we going to tell the guys?”

  “We don’t have to tell them tonight, do we?”

  “Well, no, but it will be difficult hiding it. Plus I think I’ll have to tell them eventually...”

  “Ah, I see. You don’t think we can manage to avoid jumping each other for a few hours while we are with your friends?”

  “No, that won’t be much of a problem. I don’t think we can avoid jumping each other while we’re _wasted_.”

  “Ah, I see your point.”

  Bam nodded, turning over on his side to look at Ville. “What can we do?”

  Ville turned to face him. “Um... try really, really hard not to jump each other?”

  “Oh, wonderful plan, Walo,” Bam snickered, poking Ville’s nose with a finger. “Come on, we’d better get moving. Grab your coat; you’re shivering.”

  Ville grinned and sat up, slowly standing. He glided over to the couch and snatched up his black trench coat, pulling it tightly around him. Then he turned back to Bam, smiling.

  “Lead the way,” he told him, gesturing toward the door.

  Bam felt frozen for a moment, dazzled by Ville’s smile. It was a true smile now; bright and ecstatic, his jade eyes sparkling. He’d never seen him so beautiful.

  “‘Kay,” Bam mustered, walking over to the door. Ville grinned as he followed him out of his flat, locking up before they left.

  “I never asked... how _did_ you manage to get into my apartment?”

  “Oh, I went through the window.”

  “What?! It’s two stories up!”

  “I know.”

  “God, I love you.”

-x-

  “Hey, Walo! Good to see ya again!”

  Ville smiled as he greeted each of Bam’s friends in turn, nodding and returning each greeting. He was amazed how much he’d actually been missed.

  They were all seated around a booth in a bar, drinking and laughing, just the way Ville remembered it. He was shocked at how much he had missed this... watching Bam’s psychotic crew floundering drunkenly around while attempting their constant crazy antics. It was strangely amusing and frightening at the same time.

  Soon, however, despite Bam’s worries about their secret, Bam was totally drunk. He staggered over to Ville, grinning like a madman.

  “Ay! Walo!” he cried, throwing an arm over the Finn’s shoulder, “Let’s go back to the house. I wasn’t through with you yet.”

  Ville bridled. “ _Bam,_ ” he hissed just as Raab’s head swivelled round to face them, questioning look plastered on his face.

  “What?” he asked, eyebrows knitted together.

  Ville mentally cursed. “I don’t even know. I’ll take him back to the hotel. Where are you staying?”

  Raab looked at him quizzically a moment longer before he gave him directions and a card key. Ville gratefully accepted and started to drag Bam off toward the exit.

  Bam was pretty tame the taxi ride over to the hotel and in the elevator. Then Ville finally managed to haul him up to his room, stumbling inside. They staggered over to the bed, Bam still propped up on Ville’s shoulder. He carefully lowered him down and lay him there, leaning over to catch his breath.

  “Jesus, Bam, that was too close,” he panted, shaking his head. Bam didn’t stir; he was out cold. Ville let out a sigh and felt his way to the bathroom, downing a glass of water. He let out a long sigh as he ran a hand over his eyes, shaking his head. Things were only going to get harder for them.

  He turned and headed back into the bedroom, but suddenly someone gripped him by the shoulders, pulling him close to their chest. Their lips met in a crushing kiss and Ville immediately tensed.

  “Bam,” he gasped, breaking the kiss as he tried to free himself from the skater’s grip, “not now.”

  Bam grumbled and pulled him back, his lips pressing against his once more.

  “Yes now,” he growled, pushing him back slightly, not breaking the contact. Ville tried to push him away but Bam only pushed him back further, and then they came to a sudden stop as Ville’s back met the wall. He felt Bam smile as his hands snaked inside Ville’s coat, causing him to squirm at the touch. But Bam deepened the kiss and Ville felt his will slipping away. Drunk or not, what Bam was doing felt _so_ good...

  He let the skater slip his coat off his shoulders, wrapping his arms around his waist. He felt Bam slip his tongue into his mouth, the taste of alcohol reminding him that, pleasurable or not, Bam was wasted. He didn’t know what he was doing. He probably wouldn’t even remember. But did that matter? Maybe that was better? He relaxed slightly, giving in and kissing Bam back. He felt Bam smile and wrap his arms around him, whirling them away from the wall. He backed Ville up until they reached the bed, then he pushed him down whilst he climbed on top of him. His hands snaked down Ville’s chest, tugging at his shirt. He got it off and grinned, running his fingers across the pale, heated flesh, then lower to tug at Ville’s belt buckle. Ville froze as Bam’s fingers fiddled with it, and he fidgeted, uncomfortable. As much as he enjoyed what was happening, Bam was still drunk, and he wanted to save the sex for when he was sober.

  As Bam yanked the belt free Ville’s hips jerked upward, and he started to squirm again. Bam’s lips returned to his in another bruising kiss, nibbling on Ville’s lower lip. A small whimper sounded at the back of Ville’s throat and Bam smiled.

  “I want you. Now,” he breathed into Ville’s ear, causing the Finn to shudder as his tongue slipped out to lick his skin. Ville caught a whiff of the alcohol on Bam’s breath and bridled again, his self-conscious telling him to resist. Which he did.

  Bam leaned down to kiss him again and he turned his head away, pushing Bam back. Bam frowned and went after him again, only to repeat the same actions.

  “Hey,” he growled, pinning Ville’s wrists above his head. “What’s the deal?”

  Ville turned to look at him, his jade eyes flashing.

  “You’re drunk. You won’t even remember this tomorrow. I want to save this until you’re sober.”

  Bam pouted. “But I want you _now,_ ” he whined, and Ville bit his lip. Then he shook his head, staring at Bam hard.

  “Not tonight. When you’re sober.”

  Bam frowned again, his eyebrows knitting together in annoyance.

  “No, I _will_ have you,” he resolved, pressing his lips against Ville’s in a harsh kiss. Ville bridled and started to resist, trying to free his wrists from Bam’s grasp. Bam only clung tighter, pressing himself as close to Ville as possible. Ville struggled wildly a moment more before he gave up and stopped resisting all together.

  “Bam, please,” he whimpered.

  At his tone Bam leant up to look at him, staring deeply into his eyes. He was shocked at what he found there.

  Ville’s eyes were dark, darker than he’d ever seen them, and filled with fear. _Fear._ Fear of _him._ He froze, eyes wide, abruptly sobering up. He suddenly realized what he had almost done, and he cringed. What was he _doing_? He leaned back, releasing Ville’s wrists. The Finn recoiled and scrambled up, distancing himself from the skater. They both just stared at each other for a moment, Bam’s pained eyes locked with Ville’s frightened ones.

  “Ville,” Bam breathed, “I’m... so sorry...”

  Ville blinked and cast his eyes downward, then stooped down to grab his coat from where it had been disposed of on the floor. As he slipped it over his bare shoulders Bam suddenly realized how painfully thin he was. His heart ached as he slowly got out of bed, slowly approaching Ville. The Finn tensed as he approached, but Bam held his eyes and the Finn stood his ground, watching him approach. Bam reached him and held out a tentative hand, touching his cold cheek. Ville flinched, but then became still again, his eyes locked with Bam’s. Bam’s heart ached again as he reached forth his other hand, gently parting Ville’s coat. The Finn flinched again as Bam’s fingers came into contact with his skin, but again he held his ground. Bam’s fingers slowly brushed across his chest, feeling the bones beneath.

  “What happened?” he whispered, sobering up quickly now.

  Ville gently brushed his hand away and drew his coat tighter around him.

  “Nothing,” he said softly, avoiding his eyes. Bam took his chin gently in his hand, tilting his face up to meet his eyes.

  “No. Tell me the truth.”

  Ville stared into his eyes, suddenly lost in the crystal hues.

  “Some call it ‘pining away’,” he whispered.

  Bam’s heart did a flip-flop in his chest. Ville had been pining away for _him?_ A smile crept onto his face, and Ville stared at him quizzically.

  “Well, there’s no reason for that now, is there?”

  Ville’s eyes flickered as Bam opened his arms. Ville only hesitated for a moment before cautiously stepping forward into the embrace. Bam wrapped his arms around him gently, burying his face into Ville’s dark curls, breathing in the lingering, yet somehow comforting scent of cigarette smoke. Ville hugged him back, clinging desperately to Bam.

  “I’m sorry,” Bam whispered, ashamed, his tone riddled with agony. “I’m so sorry, Ville. Never let me drink again.”

  Ville chuckled softly, the laugh reverberating in his chest. “I doubt I can do that.”

  “Try.”

  Ville laughed again, and Bam melted. Ville sighed happily, content to just be held. Bam gently pulled him over to the bed and they lay down. Bam wrapped his arms around Ville from behind, burying his face into his hair. They both lay in silence for a while, and eventually Bam heard Ville’s breathing slow. He remained awake, just watching him sleep, but eventually his own exhaustion from the evening pulled him under as well and he slipped into darkness.


	8. Our Diabolical Rapture

  Ville’s eyes slowly drifted open, and he blinked tiredly. He reluctantly drew in a long, slow breath, and tried to move. But something prevented him from doing so, and he looked down in confusion. He lifted up the sheets around him and froze, staring down at the arms wrapped around his middle. He craned his neck to look behind him into Bam’s still-sleeping face, a small pleasant twinge fluttering through his stomach. He was sharing the bed with Bam. The thought made him smile. But then he remembered the events of the previous evening, and tensed again.

  Bam suddenly shifted behind him, drawing in one of those slow, drawn out breaths signifying he was about to wake up. Ville tensed again as Bam yawned and moved, then paused. Ville remained still, shutting his eyes. Then Bam shifted again, burying his face into Ville’s unruly curls. Ville flinched and Bam froze.

  “Are you awake?” he whispered.

  Ville didn’t answer right away. “Yes,” Ville breathed back. They were both silent for a moment.

  “I’m sorry,” Bam said softly.

  Ville didn’t move. “It’s alright,” he whispered, closing his eyes again.

  Bam shifted again, pulling gently on Ville’s shoulder.

  “Look at me.”

  Ville turned slowly until he was on his other side, jade eyes meeting Bam’s crystal blue ones. Bam reached out a tentative hand to Ville’s face, his fingertips gently grazing his cheek. Despite himself, Ville flinched, and Bam frowned, eyes stinging.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered again, his voice tight. Things weren’t supposed to be this way.

  Ville’s lips pulled up in a melancholy smile, his innocent emerald eyes slowly drifting shut. He moved closer to Bam, resting his head on his chest. He became tense, then slowly relaxed.

  “It’s alright,” he whispered, pale arms wrapping around his waist. “I forgive you.” He sighed contentedly, and Bam smiled. Ville could be so cute sometimes. Bam nuzzled his face into Ville’s hair again, smiling when Ville didn’t flinch.

  “God, you can be so damn adorable sometimes.”

  Ville chuckled into his chest, the laugh vibrating I his throat.

  “I could say the same for you.” His fingers found one stray lock of Bam’s hair, twirling it in between his slender digits. Bam grinned, then leaned down to plant a small kiss on Ville’s forehead. They lay together for a moment longer before there was a sudden knock at the door.

  Both boys sprang apart, tripping over bed sheets and scattered clothes. Ville quicky picked up his shirt from where it had been disposed of on the floor the previous evening and slipped it over his head. Bam bolted for the door, straining one eye through the peep hole.

  “Who is it?”

  “It’s Ryan, dude,” Dunn called out, his tone questioning.

  Bam breathed a sigh of relief and opened the door, allowing Dunn to step inside the suite.

  “We wondered where you and Ville had crashed. No one seemed to know where you guys went,” he said to Bam, glancing at him.

  “I told Raab I was taking him back to the hotel,” Ville called out tiredly from the bed, where he had lay back down. His jade eyes drifted lazily shut.

  Dunn snorted. “Like he would tell us. He passed out way before we even noticed you guys were gone.”

  Ville shrugged, rolling over onto his side as he pulled the blankets up around him and shivered.

  Bam frowned. “Are you cold?” he asked, taking a step toward the bed. Ville nodded, shivering again. Bam stared at him quizzically, as did Dunn, his eyes wandering over to the thermostat,  which was flashing a toasty eighty-one degrees.

  He picked up Ville’s coat and handed it to him. “Com’on. Let’s get you back to the house so you can change.”

  Ville nodded and slowly de-tangled himself from the sheets, slipping his trembling arms into the coat.

  “I’m going to take Ville back to his apartment. I’ll meet up with the rest of the guys later, okay?”

  “Okay,” Dunn nodded, glancing at Ville once more before slipping out of the suite.

  “‘Kay, lets go,” Bam directed to Ville, looking at him. Ville nodded and smiled, taking a step toward the door.

  It seemed like only a short time had elapsed since as they trekked up the stairs to Ville’s apartment, and as Ville turned the key in the lock and stepped inside. He shivered again as he did so, and this time Bam shivered as well; Ville’s apartment was freezing. Ville slipped over to the far wall to crank up the heat, sighing as he stepped back over to the couch to grab the glass of alcohol that he had set atop the coffee table, long since forgotten. He glided into the kitchen and dumped it in the sink, then headed back into the living room to face Bam.

  “What now, then?” Ville asked, smiling shyly as he slipped his hands into his jean pockets.

  Bam shrugged. “Change your clothes. You’re still shivering. Are you sick?”

  Ville shook his head, waving a shaky hand. “No. Just cold. The cold weather affects me more. And my asthma acts up when it’s cold.”

  Bam grinned. “It’s always cold here!”

  Ville smiled, too. “I know.”

  Bam shook his head, still grinning. “Whatever, Walo. Go change into something warm, so you won’t freeze to death. Then we’re going to go and get you something to eat.”

  Ville rolled his eyes but didn’t protest, changing into another pair of jeans, a black button-down shirt, and pulled on a beanie, scarf, and his fingerless gloves. Bam held out his coat to him as he emerged, and smiled.

  “Now, we go to lunch.”

  Ville grinned sheepishly as Bam lead them away to a restaurant, slipping inside the small, toasty space.

  “What are you getting?” Bam asked him as he picked up a menu, scanning the contents.

  “I don’t know. A salad?”

  Bam rolled his eyes. “The idea is for you to _gain_ weight, not _lose_ it.”

  “You do remember I’m a vegetarian?”

  “Yes, but there _has_ to be something for you to eat with more calories than a _salad_.”

  “Well, that’s hard to do when you’re a vegetarian.”

  Bam rolled his eyes again, but let him be. After lunch they headed back to meet up with the rest of Bam’s crew at the hotel bar.

  It was very difficult to get through the evening; both Ville and Bam had a hard time trying to act normal. They were both so jumpy. At first, they tried to ignore each other, but neither could stand that. So instead they took to talking with each other quietly, avoiding each other’s eyes, and jumping whenever they happened to touch. It was maddening. Both boys wanted the other so badly, almost painfully so. The crew was starting to notice their strange behavior, too.

  “I’ll be right back,” Ville murmured suddenly, making his way toward the door and out into the cold outside. Almost immediately all eyes locked on Bam, who frowned.

  “What?!” he asked after a minute of silence, trying to make his voice sound irritated and not frightened.

  “What’s with you and Ville, dude?” Dunn asked, staring at Bam hard.

  Bam shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t know. I guess we just haven’t seen each other in so long we don’t know how to act around one another.”

  “Go talk to him, man,” Raab suggested, taking an idle sip of his drink. Bam shrugged and stood, following Ville outside. Anything to get his crew off their backs to protect their secret.

  He stepped out into the cold and shivered, pulling his hoodie tighter around him. He glanced up the street, spying Ville leaning up against the wall, staring off into the darkened sky thoughtfully, one hand supporting a smoking cigarette. Bam watched as he slowly brought it up to his lips, taking a puff, then pull it away again, holding the smoke in his lungs for a moment before he exhaled slowly. He was just about to repeat the process when Bam slowly approached him, leaning up against the wall next to the Finnish rockstar. They stood in silence for a moment, neither sure of what to say.

  “This is going to be harder than we thought,” Bam started, looking down at the ground. He felt Ville nod next to him.

  “It will be. But what can we do but try our best?”

  Bam nodded in agreement, sending him a sly glance. “You can head home, if you like. I can cover for you.”

  Ville shook his head, taking another drag on his cigarette. “I’ll stay. We just have to be even more careful. Try harder. They suspect something’s wrong.”

  Bam nodded, staring at the groung. Ville ground out his cigarette on the sidewalk. They stood in silence again, lost in their own thoughts.

  “I guess we should go back inside,” Bam murmured, pushing away from the wall. But Ville caught his arm, stopping him. Bam looked back at him, into his eyes. They were sparkling; a shy smile slowly toasting across his lips. Bam smiled shyly back when suddenly Ville pulled him toward him, whirling him so that he backed into the wall, Ville in front of him, holding him in place. His hands came down slowly to rest on Bam’s hips, his face so very close to Bam’s. It took an amazing amount of control for Bam to remain still. Ville’s eyes bore down into his own, smoldering in the dim light of the street.

  “I’m... sorry,” he breathed, then leaned down to press his lips lightly against Bam’s in a gentle kiss. Bam jumped, but his hands flew up, pulling himself closer to Ville as he deepened the kiss. He felt Ville smile, kissing him back enthusiastically, his hands gripping Bam’s waist tightly. Bam had just slipped his tongue into Ville’s mouth when he heard a cough behind them.

  They both froze, turning back to the source of the noise. Ville paled, his frightened jade eyes darting back to Bam, who had flushed a brilliant red. Dunn was staring at the both of them, his eyebrows raised and his arms folded across his chest. A heavy, awkward silence hung in the air.

  “Dunn—.” Bam started, but stopped as Dunn held up a hand, a smirk slowly glazing over his face.

  “Don’t even start, Bam. It won’t do you any good. I just wanted to say, though... it’s about fucking time.”

  He smiled at Ville and Bam’s shocked faces before he turned on this heel, walking back into the hotel bar. Bam and Ville stood frozen in stunned silence.

  “They... they all know,” Bam breathed, and Ville shook his head, a quiet laugh escaping his lips. Bam stared at him, his face still painted with disbelief. “They all know!”

  Ville’s quiet laugh turned to a chuckle and he moved forward to embrace Bam. Bam grinned, pulling Ville toward him, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss. The Finn eagerly returned it, hugging Bam tightly to his chest. Bam grinned as he pulled away, and his eyes sparkled as he took Ville’s hand in his own, leading Ville toward the hotel. As they walked through the bar holding hands the rest of the crew whistled and called out to them, but while Ville blushed profusely Bam gave them the finger as he pulled the Finn onward and up to his hotel room.

  Once inside he whirled on Ville, pulling him toward him. Their lips met in a whirl of swirling tongues and Bam felt Ville’s hands snake down to his waist, gripping onto his hips. Bam pushed him backward slightly, but didn’t break the contact. He grinned when Ville came to a sudden stop, the back of his legs meeting the bed. Bam brought up his hands and pushed him down, straddling his hips as he climbed up on him. He crashed his lips back down onto Ville’s, his hands roaming eagerly over the Finn’s chest. Ville shuddered beneath him, and Bam smiled, tugging at the buttons on Ville’s shirt. Upon getting them open he ran a hand over his smooth white chest, and Ville tried not to squirm at the tickle. He brought his hands up to Bam’s chest, pulling at his shirt. Bam obliged, pulling away from Ville long enough to divest himself of the article, then he was back, pressing himself up against Ville. They both moaned as their bare flesh met, and Bam felt Ville shudder beneath him again. Bam’s hands wandered down Ville’s snowy chest, tracing the heartagram tattoo stretched across the heated flesh of his abdomen. Ville arched his back into the touch, his hands moving to knot themselves into Bam’s hair. Bam traced all of Ville’s tattoos with gentle fingers, finally reaching the small little heart on his right writs that they shared. He caressed it with a gentle finger, smiling. Ville caught his hand and pulled him down to his level, locking lips once more. His hands roamed over Bam’s chest now, over the perfectly tones muscles beneath his tanned skin. Bam shuddered above him before moving down, trailing his hands over Ville’s chest once more before his fingers found Ville’s belt buckle. After a few tried he yanked it free, and Ville kicked off his shoes as Bam pulled down Ville’s jeans, leaving him clad only in his boxers. He paused, looking up into Ville’s eyes.

  “Are you sure about this, Ville?” he breathed, his breath ghosting over Ville’s skin.

  Ville gave a weak nod, closing his eyes. Bam slowly pulled down his boxers, removing them completely, and discarded them on the floor. Ville tensed beneath him, his breath hitching. Bam reached up to take one of his hands in his own, rubbing his thumb into Ville’s palm. The jade eyes opened and focused on him, blinking quickly in the dark. A shot of fire rushed through Bam, his stomach tensing.

  “God, you’re so beautiful, Ville,” Bam breathed, letting his hands slowly slide down over Ville’s hips. Ville tensed again, but arched his back into the touch, eyes fluttering shut. A small whimper caught at the back of his throat. Bam smiled, reaching down further, and was rewarded with a desperate squeak from Ville.

  “So very beautiful...” be breathed, training butterfly kisses down Ville’s hips. The Finn bit his lip, trying to hold back a moan. His hands flashed up to Bam’s head, knotting his fingers into the soft locks, urging him to continue. Which he did.

  Ville took in a sharp breath when Bam’s tongue flickered out, lapping up the drop of precome that had accumulated over his cock. His back arched with a small whine, then he fell back to the covers, uttering what sounded like an ‘oh God’. Bam looked up to see Ville before him, his head lolled back on the pillow, breath coming in quick, audible gasps. Bam smiled and repeated the process, but this time lapped his tongue out further. He continued this for a moment before taking Ville into his mouth completely, and then began to suck.

  “Oh God!” Ville cried, bucking his hips. He moaned and let his head fall back, his knuckles turning white as he tightened his grip on the sheets. Bam moaned his approval, sending tremors up Ville’s spine. Ville’s hips bucked again, another moan vibrating in his throat.

  Bam’s stomach tightened and he reached down to yank his jeans down below his hips, wrapping his hand around himself to jack off while he kept on sucking. Ville looked up at him and watched with wide eyes, his breath getting harder and harder until he let out a shrill cry, his hips bucking again as he came. Bam swallowed him down as he came all over his hand, then slowly, so very slowly, released Ville from his mouth.

  “Oh my God...” Ville gasped, panting for breath, his head lolling back on the pillow again as he closed his eyes. Bam chuckled and wiped himself off, when suddenly Ville tugged him down next to him, then pushed him onto his stomach. He moved behind Bam, tugging off his jeans and boxers, discarding them on the floor. Bam tensed as he felt Ville’s fingers ghost over his back, but his eyes drifted shut and he shuddered pleasantly as Ville’s hands moved lower. He tensed as one of the Finn’s supple fingers probed gently at his hole, then gently push inside. Bam gasped at the sudden intrusion, tensing. Ville stopped, but kept his finger inside. Gradually Bam relaxed, accepting the unfamiliar, yet strangely pleasant feeling. Ville moved in and out slowly, then carefully added another finger. Bam tensed again but forced himself to relax as Ville began scissoring gently, until he pushed a third finger into him, stretching him the furthest yet. Bam gasped once then bit his lip, determined not to cry out. It hurt, but if felt so good...

  “Ville,” he gasped, “do it now.”

  Ville paused, slowly removing his fingers. Bam let out a small whine of protest.

  “Are you sure, my love?” he purred seductively into the skater’s ear, a smile in his voice.

  Bam shuddered at his voice, nodding quickly. “Take me now, Ville, I want to feel you inside me.”

  Ville only paused a moment before climbing off of Bam, returning a moment later with a condom and the tube of lubricant.

  Bam watched with fascination as Ville rolled the condom over his hard on, then lubbed up before returning to Bam, rolling him over and hooking Bam’s legs around his hips as he positioned himself. His smokey emerald eyes locked with Bam’s clouded blue ones.

  “Are you ready?” he breathed, and Bam nodded, moving his hands up to knot them into Ville’s silken mess of hair. He tensed as Ville slowly pushed into him, his head rolling back with a silent moan as the pleasurable pain flared through him, but he didn’t care. After what seemed like an eternity, Ville was completely sheathed within Bam, and let his head drop to his chest to catch his breath.

  “Let me know,” Ville panted gently into Bam’s ear, causing the skater to shudder. After a moment he gave the Finn a weak nod, shutting his eyes tight as Ville rose, then slammed back down.

  “Oh God!” Bam cried out, his nails digging into the Finn’s back as he continued with the steady rhythm, in and out, in and out. The pain began to recede then, replaced by utter ecstacy, and Bam let out a low moan.

  Gradually Ville got faster and faster, letting his instincts take over. He let himself slam into Bam’s prostate every time, leaving the younger boy more and more breathless each stroke. His stomach tightened as he continued, and cried out shrilly as he came. Bam cried out as well, as had Ville, shooting his hot all over both their stomachs. Gently Ville pulled himself from Bam before collapsing upon his chest, both panting, just content to hold one another.

  “Oh my God,” Bam breathed, his head lolled back on the pillow with his eyes closed, still gasping for breath. “That was fucking _amazing._ ”

  Ville smiled into the crook of his shoulder, wheezing. “It was, my love.” He lent up to place a soft kiss on Bam’s nose.

  Bam opened his eyes and smiled at him, then reached up to caress his cheek. “Where’s your inhaler?”

  Ville rolled his eyes, then pointed to his jeans on the ground. Bam made to get up, but Ville held him back.

  “Not just yet,” he pleaded, emerald eyes boring into Bam’s. But still Bam shook his head.

  “You need it. And, we’re both covered in come.” He smiled as he indicated to the sticky mess they were both laying in.

  Ville pouted but his eyes wandered down Bam’s chest, a child-like wonder shining in them. Bam watched in fascination as Ville’s tongue lapped out, licking over his skin. Ville looked up thoughtfully, licking his lips. Then he turned back to Bam and smiled, and Bam felt his hips buck, his breath hitching.

  Ville grinned devilishly at him as he removed himself, crawling down onto the floor to retrieve his inhaler. Bam remained on the bed, still stricken, before he stumbled over to Ville, running his fingers gently over his lover’s bare back as he took a shot from his puffer.

  “I’ll meet you in the shower, lover,” he breathed into the Finn’s ear, causing the Finn to shudder beneath his touch. He turned away and sauntered toward the bathroom, feeling Ville’s emerald gaze boring into his back as he stepped naked into the bathroom. He turned to the shower and turned on the water, then stepped inside. Not a moment later he felt Ville embrace him from behind, running his hands over his body and through his wet hair. He grinned and turned, locking his lips in a slow, sensual kiss. Slowly Ville took the washcloth and ran it all across Bam’s body, cleaning off the younger boy; washing his hair. When he’d finished it was Bam’s turn, and the younger boy gently ran the wet washcloth over Ville’s long, lanky form, over the ebony-inked tattoos and smooth, pallid flesh.

  The last thing he cleaned was Ville’s face, gently running the washcloth over his pale cheeks and full, red lips. His eyes locked with the emerald green, and he paused, losing himself in the jade depths he had come to adore so very much. Ville smiled and reached up to Bam’s face, cupping his cheek, and gently urged him forward. The younger boy let the washcloth drop as he moved forward to embrace Ville, their lips meeting in yet another slow, rapturous kiss. Bam let his lips part as Ville’s tongue begged entrance, allowing the other boy to explore his mouth.

  But Bam felt Ville falter, and broke the kiss to look down. Ville’s legs were shaking, and it looked like the Finn was struggling to remain upright. Ville had already been exhausted before, and Bam had only added to that. Without a word he gently urged the older boy out of the shower, wrapping him snugly in a towel before turning back to shut off the water. Then he returned to his lover’s side, toweling him off, chuckling slightly when he moved to towel down Ville’s hair, then removed it to see the mess of damp, unruly curls. Ville smiled tiredly at him, his eyes dark and his movements drowsy. Bam quickly dried off before gently leading the Finn back into the bedroom, then pulled him down onto the bed, snuggling up against one another. They lay so they were both looking into each other’s eyes, smiling.

  Ville reached out a hand to Bam, trailing his fingers over his cheek.

  “Bam?”

  “Yes?”

  Ville paused a moment before snuggling closer to the younger boy. He looked up into Bam’s face, emerald eyes shining, wide and innocent. Bam felt like he was melting.

  “I love you, Bam,” the Finn whispered, his eyes drifting slowly shut with a content sigh.

  Bam felt like his heart was about to burst. “I love you too, Ville,” he breathed back, planting a soft kiss on Ville’s forehead. The Finn smiled, nuzzling closer still. Bam trailed his hands gently up and down his sides, memorizing the feel of his skin, each sensual curve. He still grimaced when he felt Ville’s ribs standing out painfully beneath, the harsh bump of his hips. Hopefully, this would change now.

  He smiled as he heard Ville’s breathing slow, gently stroking his hair. He’d never felt so happy before now. With a final content sigh, he, too, drifted off to sleep.


	9. Your Sweet Six Six Six

  Ville woke slowly from sleep, groggily reaching out a hand to graze over the empty, cold space of bed stretched out beside him. He frowned in confusion, his brain still not up so speed this early in the morning.

  “Bam?” he called out softly, opening his eyes, blinking in the soft light. The emerald hues landed upon the vacant space of bed before him and he shot up in bed, panic exploding inside him. His eyes darted all around the room, empty of anyone but himself. Then the panic suddenly melted and a harsh jab of pain ripped through him. He lay back down and curled up into a tight little ball beneath the covers, shutting his eyes tight in a vain attempt to stop the tears. Bam wasn’t there with him. Why should he be? He’d probably just dreamed it all up. Bam wasn’t in Finland with him. He didn’t love him. He was probably still thousands of miles away in West Chester with Missy and the rest of his crew. Why would he care about Ville?

  He let out a small, dry sob and shut his eyes tighter, receding into the covers and himself even further. Pain racked him, blurring his vision and piercing his mind. He cried out softly, shaking with the effort to rein in the flood of emotions that had broken free. But suddenly there was someone there, gentle hands on his back, their weight shifting the bed. Ville curled up even tighter into his small sanctuary, determined to shut them out. He didn’t care who it was; he wanted to be alone. He didn’t want them to see him like this.

  But suddenly they threw the covers off him, and hands were pulling him out of his small ball. He struggled and tried to wrench himself from their grasp, opening his eyes to glare at them. But as he saw them he froze, sucking in a shocked breath as his eyes went wide.

  “Ville, what is it? What’s wrong?” Bam pleaded, his eyes dark with worry and fear. Ville all but threw himself into Bam’s arms, a new round of tears bursting forth as new emotions flooded his heart and drowned him. But he couldn’t care; Bam was really here, he really loved him, he was really holding him in his arms.

  Bam pulled him close and held him tight, stroking his hair gently while he cried. “Ville, please, what’s wrong?” he whispered, “Please tell me.”

  Ville hugged him tighter, choking back another sob as he cleared his throat.

  “I thought you were gone,” he choked out, biting back more tears. “I thought it had all been just a dream. That you were never here. That you were still with Missy. That... that...” he shut his eyes tight, trying to control himself. “That you didn’t care,” he managed, chest heaving, shoulders trembling with the effort to belay his tears.

  Bam felt as if someone had pierced a dagger straight through his heart, and abruptly he pulled Ville into a bruising kiss.

  “Oh Ville, I’m so sorry,” he breathed, breaking the kiss, staring into his lover’s glistening, puffy eyes. “I’m here. I’ll always be here. I love you, and nothing can change that. I’ll be with you forever.”

  The Finn seemed to melt into his embrace, another hiccuping sob escaping his lips.

  “Do you really mean that, Bam?” he whispered, looking up into the skater’s sparkling blue eyes.

  Bam smiled down at him. “Yes, I do, Ville. I love you.”

  The rockstar sucked in a shocked breath, his eyes wide. The next moment he had pulled Bam into a bruising hiss, the taste of his lover mixed with his own tears.

  “My God, Bam, I love you,” Ville breathed, only breaking the kiss for a moment. Bam pulled him closer still, gently laying back on the bed, Ville on top of him. Eventually they slowed down, just holding one another tightly. They both lay panting, wrapped in the other’s embrace.

  “Inhaler?” Bam asked, reaching up to place a hand on Ville’s heaving chest, worried by the wheezing he’d only just seemed to notice. Ville nodded mutely, trying to take slow, deep breaths.

  “Fuck, Ville,” Bam said, sitting up with the Finn held tightly in his lap. He rubbed his back quickly as he looked frantically around the bedroom. “Where is it?”

  “Jeans,” Ville wheezed, shutting his eyes, trying not to cough. Bam gently placed him on the bed and darted for his jeans laying on the floor, rooting the pockets for the inhaler. He snatched it out and pushed it into the Finn’s palm, bringing both up to his face. Ville took down one long shot of the medicine, then collapsed into Bam’s chest, slowly beginning to breathe normally again. Bam held him, rubbing his bare back soothingly as he did so.

  “Shit, Ville, are you going to be okay?” Bam asked worriedly, looking down at the rockstar curled up in his lap. Ville nodded meekly, leaning back into his embrace.

  “Yeah. Just give me a moment,” he said softly, burying his face into Bam’s neck.

  Bam sat quietly, just holding him, rubbing his back soothingly as Ville’s breathing returned to normal. He reached up a hand to gently stroke his knuckles across Ville’s cheek. The emerald eyes opened, staring up at him, and he smiled. Bam leaned down and kissed him gently; Ville’s hands running through his soft brown curls as he tugged Bam down further into his embrace.

  But just then a knock sounded at the door, and Bam growled in annoyance before gently easing Ville out of his lap and onto the bed. He grumbled heartily as he reached the door, opening it to reveal his friend.

  “Hey Dunn. What’s up?” he greeted him, gesturing him inside.

  Dunn shook his head. “Just wanted to make sure you were still here. Your cell’s off. Is Ville with you?”

  Bam smiled mischievously at his friend.

  “What do you think, Ry?” he leered, and Dunn rolled his eyes.

  “Whatever, Bam. We’ll meet up with you later, I guess. We’re heading out to hang with the 69 Eyes.”

  “Okay. I’ll call you later then,” he said as Dunn turned away, walking back up the hallway the way he came. Bam shut the door and returned to the bedroom, frowning at Ville, who had moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

  “I wasn’t done cuddling with you yet,” he whined, and Ville chuckled.

  “Don’t worry Bam, there’s plenty of time for that later.” He smiled at Bam as he stood, stretching. Bam grinned, his eyes wandering shamelessly over Ville’s naked torso. Ville caught his eyes and leered at him.

  “See something you like?” he purred, jade eyes dancing.

  Bam licked his lips, slowly edging over to him. “Hmm... yes, yes I do,” he breathed, running his hands slowly over Ville’s bony shoulders, his thin chest. The Finn shuddered beneath him, but pulled back. Bam pouted.

  “We’re never going to meet up with the guys if we don’t control ourselves, love,” Ville chuckled, turning away to sashay into the bathroom. Bam watched him go, biting back a whine. Much as he hated to admit it, he was right. He sighed heavily as he plopped himself back down onto the bed, burying his face into Ville’s pillow, breathing in the lingering scent of cigarettes, sex, and just Ville. It was heavenly.

  It seemed like an eternity before Ville stepped out of the bathroom, fully clothed, his hair damp from washing. Bam smiled at him, pulling him into a gentle kiss. Ville embraced him back, letting his hands rest on his hips.

  “This is nice,” he murmured, breaking the kiss to press his cheek against Bam’s shoulder. He sighed happily, seeming to melt into Bam’s arms. Bam grinned and let his hands trail aimlessly over Ville’s back, memorizing every curve. But all too soon the Finn pulled him away, taking his hand in his own and leading him towards the door.

  “Come on. We need to meet up with the guys.”

  Bam grunted in annoyance but followed, still holding Ville’s hand. They took a cab over to the club Dunn had informed Bam about, quickly shuffling inside to escape the cold. They eventually spotted the group sitting in the back, huddled together in a booth, drinking.

  Jyrki spotted them first.

  “Bam! Ville! Nice to see you again!” the Finnish rocker called out, rising from his seat to embrace the pair. After engulfing Bam in a hearty hug he turned to Ville as well, giving him a small, reassuring nod as he took his seat again.

  “Haven’t seen you guys in ages!” Bam said, smiling as the Finnish singer.

  Jyrki smiled back at him. “Yeah, nice to see you guys again! And you too, Ville. We haven’t seen you since... our last tour, wasn’t it?”

  Ville nodded, smiling at him. “Yes. It’s been too long, hasn’t it?” he agreed, jade eyes flickering quicky around the group. “I’ve missed you all.”

  The rest nodded in agreement, and Ville stole a shy glance at Bam. The jade eyes only lingered on him a moment before they quickly darted away again with a teasing flash of green. Bam frowned. He wanted Ville to stare at him with those gorgeous emerald eyes.

  The rest of the night carried on much the same, the air between the two tense. Ville tried not to stare at him, but occasionally he slipped, the emerald hues sliding over to glance at the skater with another taunting blink of green. It drove Bam insane; he wanted nothing more than to grab the Finn and crush his lips to his, run his hands over his perfect, flawless figure. They sat side by side, not quite touching, but each could feel the heat radiating in waves off the other. Bam carefully watched Ville, hopefully not too obviously, talking with the other members of the 69 Eyes. He watched him absent mindedly playing with a lock of his silken hair, twirling it slowly between his long, slender fingers. Bam’s fingers itched to run themselves through the rest of the chocolate curls. He tried to distract himself by thinking of something else, but everything came full-circle and ended back on the subject of the Finnish rocker.

  “Fuck,” Bam muttered as he realized he was hard. He’d been thinking a little too vividly about the previous evening with said rockstar. He bit his lip, trying to will it away. But, knowing it was fruitless, he tried a different approach.

  Beneath the table he discreetly reached forward, placing a hand in Ville’s knee. The rockstar jumped, eyes darting back to Bam’s. Bam smiled warmly at him, tilting his head ever so slightly to the right. Then he sighed and stood, turning back to the group.

  “I’ll be back in a minute. Heading for the bathroom.” Then he turned and strode off, leaving the group unnoticed. Ville still counted to sixty before he quietly excused himself for a smoke. He circled back and headed for the bathroom, pushing the door open and stepping inside.

  “Bam?” he hissed, looking around the vacant looking room. A stall door creaked open and Bam pulled him inside, locking it after him. The skater promptly pushed him up against the wall, grinning at him.

  “Do you have any idea how much it’s killing me not to be able to touch you?” he breathed, leaning in close. Ville trembled, trying to breathe normally.

  “Do you have any idea how turned on I’ve been since the beginning of the evening, thinking about nothing but you? Not being able to touch you or stare at you? I was just about ready to grab you and fuck you right then and there on the table.”

  Bam groaned, pulling him into a bruising kiss. But all too soon Ville pulled away, shaking his head.

  “Not here,” he breathed, staring pleadingly into the skater’s eyes.

  Bam sighed in exasperation, dropping his head to Ville’s shoulder. “Okay, okay. But can we go _soon?”_ he whined, looking back up into Ville’s face.

  He nodded. “We _have_ to go soon,” he corrected him, brushing his nose against Bam’s cheek.

  Bam shuddered at the cold touch. “How much longer do we have to stay?” he almost whined.

  Ville smiled. “Not much longer, love. We’ll slip out soon, okay?”

  Bam nodded, burying his face into Ville’s hair. “Do you want to keep hiding it?”

  Ville was silent for a moment.

  “I don’t want the public to know... just yet.”

  Bam nodded. “What about the Eyes?”

  Ville stiffened, and Bam tensed in response.

  “The Eyes... know... about me,” he whispered softly, clinging to Bam tightly. Bam frowned, stroking his hair softly.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

  “Nothing,” Ville returned.

  Bam’s expression tightened. “Don’t lie to me, Ville,” he breathed, his voice tight and hurt.

  Ville tensed in his arms, hesitating a moment before he softly spoke.

  “Jussi and I...” he began hesitantly, taking a quick, steadying breath, “Jussi and I used to be... together... for a while.”

  He paused, frightened by Bam’s ongoing silence.

  “Bam?” he whispered, so his voice wouldn’t tremble. Bam stroked his hair softly again.

  “It’s okay, Ville. I’m not mad at you.”

  Ville nodded mutely. Silence.

  “When did you break up?” Bam asked then, hesitantly, afraid to upset him.

  Ville’s answer was more hesitant still. “December last,” he said softly, “I... I wanted to try to... forget about you,” Ville admitted in a small whisper. “The relationship didn’t last long... we were both looking for something ion the other we never found.”

  Bam nodded. “So you’re not together anymore?”

  “No.”

  “Good, because I’m a jealous lover and I don’t like to share,” he snickered, pulling Ville close.

  Ville snickered back at him, and Bam pressed his lips to his in a gentle kiss.

  “Mine,” he chuckled, smiling at his lover. Ville smiled back, gently raking his teeth over Bam’s lower lip, causing the younger man to hiss.

  “Mine,” he purred, leering at him. His lips returned to Bam’s, capturing them in a slow, careful kiss. Bam’s arms moved to wrap around Ville, slowly tracing up his back. He whined when Ville removed him from himself, giving him an apologetic smile.

  “Not here, Bammie. We’ll go soon, okay?” He grinned and leaned forward to whisper huskily into the skater’s ear. “I _promise_ I’ll make it up to you.”

  Bam bit back a squeak and nodded quickly, all but dragging his lover back out into the bar. They took turns returning, Ville first from th direction of the door, then Bam a few minutes behind from the bathroom. The rest of the evening was sheer torture, until Ville and Bam finally ditched and beat feet back to the hotel.

  All Bam could think about was what his lover might have in store for him.


	10. Soul on Fire

  Bam let out a shocked gasp as Ville rounded on him, engulfing him in a crushing kiss. Bam eagerly returned it, pulling himself as close to the Finn as he could, his desire already almost unbearable. They somehow managed to get to the bed, and Ville pushed him down beneath him, his nimble fingers working quickly with the buttons on Bam’s shirt. In an instant it was gone, and the nimble hands were exploring his chest, coaxing out a low moan from the skater.

  “Ville, please,” he breathed out, his hips bucking. “I need you so much.”

  Ville nodded and stripped, tossing away his own shirt, then hastily started to undo Bam’s jeans. Bam lifted himself up to let Ville slide them off his hips, then pulled down his lover to embrace him.

  They both moaned as their bare flesh met; fire and ice. Bam knotted his fingers into Ville’s hair, tugging him down to his level. His tongue lapped out to trace the inner part of the Finn’s ear, and Ville let out a squeak from above him, his hands gripping onto his shoulders tightly.

  “I need you so bad, baby,” Bam breathed into his ear, “So fucking bad.”

  “Let me,” Ville breathed back, and Bam released him. Ville moved lower, pulling off Bam’s boxers painfully slow. Bam whined, gripping onto the sheets below him, squeezing his eyes shut.

  “Look at me.” His voice was low and husky, and Bam’s eyes shot open at the velvet command. His stormy blue eyes locked with Ville’s darkened emerald ones, clouded over with lust. He grinned at Bam, letting his tongue slip out between his lips, just barely grazing Bam’s cock. Bam sucked in a gasp, his breath getting shorter and shorter. Ville’s breath ghosted over Bam’s skin, tongue lapping out to lick over him. Bam’s stomach tightened and he moaned, and Ville flashed him one more devilish smile before taking Bam into his mouth.

  “Fuck!” Bam cried, his eyes wide as he watched his lover, lips stretched tight over him, his cheeks hollowed as he sucked. Bam let out a moan, louder this time, and threw his head back onto the pillow as the waves of pleasure radiated through him. Ville’s moan of delight vibrated up through him, forcing another louder moan from his lips.

  “Bam.”

  The skater’s eyes snapped back down to his lover, wide and wild, eyes dilated to the point where you almost couldn’t see any of the stormy blue.

  “Watch me,” Ville breathed, taking him back in his mouth, while his free hand reached down to carefully release his own aching dick from his jeans. He started to suck again, jacking off while he did so.

  “Fuck,” Bam breathed, his eyes almost popping out of his skull. _“Fuck!”_

  Ville moaned his approval again, and swallowed around his lover. Bam’s hips bucked and Ville’s free hand came up to hold him down, slowly moving his lips back and forth over Bam’s cock. Bam’s mouth opened in a silent scream, his body writhing with pleasure, his stomach tightening.

  “Ville, gonna... gonna... I’m gonna...” he tried, out of breath. His eyes snapped back down to Ville’s, taking in his swollen red lips stretched tight over him, and the two smokey, emerald eyes staring seductively back up at him.

  “Fuck!” he screamed, his back arching as he reached his climax and came into Ville’s mouth. Ville swallowed him down, his other hand pumping over his own cock faster and faster as he came all over the sheets below them. Then he slowly pulled back from Bam, smokey jade still locked with stormy blue, and licked his swollen red lips. He smiled at Bam before slowly climbing back up onto the bed with him, wrapping his arms around him.

  “I told you I’d make it up to you,” he whispered huskily into his ear, gently taking his lips in a passionate kiss.

  All Bam could do was kiss him back. His head was still spinning.

  “Damn,” Bam breathed, melting into Ville’s embrace as he buried his head into the crook of his shoulder. “That was fucking _amazing._ ”

  Ville chuckled, rubbing his cheek up against Bam’s. “Anything for you, my love,” he purred. “Now let’s go get cleaned off.”

  Bam nodded in agreement, his lips tugging up into a smirk. “Yes, my sexy lover,” he mewled back. Together they headed into the bathroom, and as Bam got in under the water Ville stripped off the remainder of his clothes, then joined his lover. They repeated the same process as the night before, washing each other slowly and lovingly. When they were finished they dried off and returned back into the bedroom, curling up together under the satin sheets on the bed.

  “Ville?” Bam whispered, looking up into the sparkling emerald hues.

  “Yes, Bam?” he whispered back, reaching out a hand to gently stroke Bam’s cheek.

  “How long...” Bam swallowed. “How long have you known you loved me?”

  Ville was silent for a moment, the jade eyes flickering in the dim light of the room.

  “A long time, Bammie.”

  “How long?”

  Ville sighed, letting his hand drop from the skater’s cheek.

  “You’re not going to let it go, are you?” he whispered, smiling sadly at him.

  “I just wanted to know... how long you’ve known,” Bam said softly, looking down. One of Ville’s pale fingers hooked under his chin, brining his eyes up to meet the Finn’s once more.

  “I instantly was attracted to you since the first time I met you,” he whispered softly, lovingly, “But I knew I loved you that one evening... after we were filming _‘The Sacrament’_ together.”

  Bam’s eyes flickered. He could scarcely remember what happened that evening. The last thing he had remembered was both he and Ville together in bed, drunk as hell, and he had just reached to turn the cameras off. What had happened then?

  “You don’t remember that night,” Ville breathed, reaching out a finger to trace Bam’s jaw line ever so slowly, “but I do. It was the first time I ever kissed you... I’m not sure why I did it. I knew if I ever let you know how I really felt about you we would be through. But I slipped, I slipped... I kissed you... and I knew I loved you then.”

  “I was almost disappointed that you didn’t remember in the morning, but I was thankful. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I told myself it would be better this way; I was not for you, and you were not for me. You had your own life, and I had mine. We lived in separate worlds, and I had only ever set my foot inside the door of the one where you resided. I was not a part of your world... I was only a lonely dreamer staring in through your windows from the outside, silently watching, waiting, hoping. Even when I swore I would forget about you my heart betrayed me and never let you go, never gave up. There was always a part of me, hoping, hoping beyond hope, begging for you to complete me and fill me, to be a part of me. To make me feel. I tried to forget you, but you were always there, reminding me, taunting me, tempting me to take you, to scream your name. But then I slipped, I slipped... and my careful facade came crashing down. And then you knew it all.”

  He stopped, shutting his eyes tight. A tear leaked through the thick black lashes, and Bam quickly wiped it away, pulling the Finn into his tight embrace.

  “Don’t cry, Ville, I’m here now, and I will be forever. I love you, I love you. My Willa, my lover, my love.”

  A small sob escaped Ville’s lips as he clung to Bam, burying his face into the crook of his shoulder. They lay together, simply holding one another.

  “How could I have ever lived without you?” Ville whispered, almost too soft for Bam to hear.

  “I didn’t before I knew you,” Bam breathed back, startling the Finn. It occurred to him that Ville never meant for him to hear. He went on anyway.

  “I think I always knew,” Bam whispered, “there was always that small voice nagging at the back of my head. Whenever I was with you it felt different; whenever you were gone things weren’t the same. Then there was your music. Your voice. I was captivated, and it never even occurred to me to think of why. The tattoos. What did I think they meant? I don’t know. But it all lead to you. I was so blind...”

  Ville pressed a white finger to his lips. “Shh. We have each other now. That’s all that matters.”

  “That’s all that ever will matter,” Bam completed, pulling Ville closer into his embrace. “Sleep now, my Willa... my love. We’re not alone anymore.”

 -x-

  “Where _are_ they?” Raab asked impatiently, “the concert is in fifteen minutes!”

  Dunn rolled his eyes. “Where do you _think_ they are, Raab?”

  “Aw, dude, don’t tell me! They’re at it _again?_ How many times—?!”

  “Just don’t ask, man, don’t ask.”

  “Ugh.” He shuddered.  “Much as I don’t like it, Bam’s still my pal. I could never ditch him because of something like that.”

  “Same here, dude. Bam’s family. We can’t let him down. Specially since we’ve known so much longer.”

  “Yeah... at least they finally got it straight. But you’d think they’d be less out in the open about it. Bleh!” Raab shuddered again. “Come on, lets go see if they’re already here. I bet Bam’s being an idiot and turned his cell off again.”

  “Yeah. Come on, let’s check in the lounge.”

  Soon their voices faded away as they departed, leaving the secluded backstage vacant. Or so they had thought.

  A lone figure emerged from the opposite side of the room, through the cracked door of a darkened dressing room. His piercing blue eyes lingered on the exit of the now-departed pair. His lips pressed into a thin, thoughtful line as he reached up to slick his gelled, jet-black spikes out of his eyes.

  _‘Bam and who?’_ he thought, lips pressing even tighter together. His eyebrows knitted in confusion. Who could Bam have been with? Why did Raab and Dunn not entirely approve?

  Jussi shook his head and turned back toward the door. Now was not the time to ponder. He had a show to do.


	11. I Love You (Prelude to a Tragedy)

  “Yes, yes, we’re here, Dunn,” Bam said, rolling his eyes as Ville snickered next to him. “We’re in the bar. Yeah. Okay, see you in a minute, then.”

  He hung up with a frustrated sigh, letting his head fall into his hands. “Ugh, they never leave me alone!”

  Ville placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, grinning. “It’s okay, Bam-Bam. Cheer up! The concert is about to start. You haven’t seen the Eyes play live in ages.”

  Bam nodded, looking up and giving his lover his best attempt at a grin. “Yeah. Come on, I see Raab and Dunn over there. Let’s go and find us a better place to watch.”

  Ville nodded as he followed Bam and the rest to the front lines of the crowd, where the band was just walking onto the stage. Bam felt Ville grip onto his hand tightly, jade eyes trained on Jussi. Jussi walked over to his drum set, positioning himself behind it. When he scanned the crowd Ville made sure to look away, back to Jyrki. Bam gave his hand a reassuring squeeze as he whispered in his ear.

  “Don’t worry, Willa, I’m here.”

  Ville gave the faintest nod and smiled, gaining confidence from Bam. They both relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the concert in peace.

 -x-

  Jussi scanned the members of the backstage party with disinterest, sighing. His eyes roamed lazily over person after person; singer, friend, barman, crew. None of it satisfied him. He was bored out of his mind.

  Then suddenly he started, eyes darting back over something he’d carelessly looked over. He froze, eyes wide, locked on the man standing across the way. He let his eyes trail shamelessly over the tall, lanky body, the pallid, inked flesh, the dark chocolate brown hair, those sparking emerald eyes. His heart did a flip as he stared. He’d known him. He knew him. He wanted to know him again.

  He started for him but came to a sudden stop as his eyes flickered to his current companion. Tall, yet shorter than he, tanned, toned, beautiful. Stormy blue eyes and chocolate curls that framed his boyish face.

  Brandon fucking Margera.

  A shot of anger flared up inside him as he watched Bam smile at Ville, and then the Finn returned it, warm and blissful and loving.

  Reality tore though him and anger raged, burning his very blood. Ville was _his._ Bam had no right to take him. After all the pain the skater had caused him, he wasn’t worthy to kiss the Finn’s feet.

  Oh, Jussi knew just how much Ville had pined. Just how much it had hurt. Every wound and every scar etched into his beautiful flesh, engraved in his heart. No, Bam didn’t deserve someone as beautiful as Ville.

  Yet Ville still loved him.

  He had loved Jussi, too, once.

  Maybe he still did?

  Jussi let out a low growl as he watched them, like a predator watching his prey. He would wait. Oh, he would wait. And then he would strike.

  Brandon fucking Margera.

-x-

  “I’ll be right back. I’ll get you a drink.”

  Ville smiled in response, grinning at his lover. “Okay. I’ll be here.”

  Bam nodded and disappeared into the crowd for the nth time, but Ville didn’t mind. The small moments apart allowed him to regain his careful composure before it slipped entirely. Neither boy wanted the world to know about them just yet.

  So Ville stood alone, casually watching others drink and dance, his hips gently swaying to the beat. He was lost in his own thoughts, mindlessly observing, but still carefully watching all around him. Yet he missed one thing.

  “Ville.”

  He jumped, the thick, accented voice startling him out of his haze. He turned, his eyes wide with shock.

  “Jussi.”

  He swallowed. Jussi smiled at him; a dazzling smile, warm and friendly. Ville relaxed a bit and smiled back.

  “I didn’t get to talk to you really at the bar. How have you been?” Jussi asked him while gesturing for Ville to sit down.

  “I’m well, thank you,” Ville returned, taking a seat next to the drummer. “How have you been?”

  “Could have been better, Ville,” Jussi replied with a casual shrug.

  Ville nodded, looking away. He felt uncomfortable talking to Jussi. He no longer felt for Jussi as a lover, but rather a friend and guide. Jussi knew more about him than anyone, and often Ville found he missed the company of the drummer. He loved him dearly as a friend, yet he had the nagging feeling that the other Finn loved him a bit more.

  “I’m sorry, Jussi,” Ville murmured, looking up into the carefully composed face.

  Jussi smiled at him, reaching forward to clasp Ville’s hand. “It’s alright.”

  Ville tensed but didn’t pull away as Jussi gently rubbed his thumb into his palm.

  “But, I don’t like it when you lie to me, Ville,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “You haven’t been fine.”

  “I am now,” Ville protested, making a move to retrieve his hand. Jussi held on.

  “You were pining for him, Ville,” came Jussi’s urgent whisper, “You were dying for him. Now you have him. But will he be worth it? Will he love you always? Stay by your side?”

  “Enough!” Ville cried as he tried again to wretch his hand away, but Jussi held on tighter still.

  “He will only hurt you, Ville. He’s not who you think he is. He’ll only throw you aside once he’s tired of you. You’re just another one to fill his bed. But when that happens, my Ville, my love, I will be waiting.”

  With a final squeeze to his hand Jussi released him and departed, leaving Ville stunned and fuming back at the bar. He didn’t have the time to think it over as Bam returned with his drink.

  “Hey, Willa! Your drink.” He smiled as he passed the glass to Ville, who took it gratefully.

  “Thanks, I needed this.” He took a appreciative sip before discreetly interlacing their fingers.

  “Can we go soon, Bammie?” he mewled at the skater, staring up at him with big, glassy emerald hues. Bam quickly agreed. Soon they both departed, watched from afar by the dark drummer. Jussi smiled proudly to himself. He had shaken the Finnish singer. He has planted a seed of doubt into his mind, and that seed would only grow.

 -x-

  The two bodies moved with sensual rhythm, flowing together, becoming one. Tan skin glistened eerily in the moonlight, almost glowing from the shine of sweat coating their bodies. Heavenly moans pierced the air and heavy breathing filed their ears as their bodies danced. The other man ran his hands slowly over the toned, inked flesh, the heart tattoo on his lovers’ wrist, and finally the tribal heartagram symbol etched across his abdomen. The toned muscles quivered beneath his touch as he groaned, capturing his lover’s crystal blue eyes set in the ruddy face, surrounded by the beautiful, boyish curls plastered to his forehead with sweat. The hands swept over his tanned chest and Bam moaned, bucking beneath him. His lover smiled, looking up at him, with black eyes and a devilish, triumphant grin.

  Ville jolted awake, wheezing as he sat up in bed, grabbing his inhaler off the dresser. He quickly took down two shots off his medicine, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart and his ragged breath. A sharp jab of pain pierced through him as he turned to the empty space on the bed next to him, a space which had been empty for a while now. Ville sat forward and rested his face in his hands, his elbows propped up on his knees, still trying to calm his nerves as the moonlight filtered eerily in through the window. Every night since Bam had gone back to West Chester Ville had had the same dream... in his bed was Bam, making passionate love to another... and not Ville.

  The thought pierced straight through to his heart as he bit back tears. What did it matter? It was just a stupid dream. Nothing more. Bam still loved him. They’d been together for almost a year now. But Bam couldn’t just stay here in Helsinki. He had to go back to West Chester eventually. They both knew what they had been getting into when they decided they were lovers: the long distance, the painfully long separation for months at a time, their busy schedules. The odds seemed against them, yet they had both bravely fought against them. Yet how could Ville blame Bam if he...?

  Ville shook his head. No, Bam would never do that. He would never cheat on him. Then why did Jussi’s words at that concert, almost a year past, keep returning to him?

  _‘He will only hurt you, Ville. He’s not who you think he is. He’ll only throw you aside once he’s tired of you. You’re just another one to fill his bed.’_

  Ville shut his eyes tight, shaking with the effort to keep his emotions in check. Was that true? A tear leaked from his lashes. What if it was? After all, why would Bam want Ville? What did he see in him? Was he just a convenient fuck?

  Pain ripped through Ville again as his eyes darted to the clock. 3:55 AM. He counted backwards on his fingers. It was only 8:55 in West Chester now. Bam would be up for hours still.

  Mindlessly he reached for the phone, dialing the number he’d long since memorized. He waited with baited breath as he listened to it ring.

  _‘Hello?’_ came the voice on the other end of the line, and Ville let out his breath in a sigh of relief.

  “Bam,” he breathed, sighing happily.

  _‘Ville?’_ Bam seemed shocked. _‘Hey! How are you? Isn’t it like, four in the morning where you are? Is everything okay?’_

  “Yeah,” Ville said, stemming Bam’s babble. “Everything’s fine. I just couldn’t sleep.”

  _‘Again? Your insomnia is back? I’m sorry, baby.’_

  Ville shrugged, but then remembered Bam couldn’t see it. “It’s fine. I’m happy to talk to you, anyway. How are you?”

  _‘Doing good. We’re filming a Viva La Bam show right now. Things are crazy! I’m sorry I haven’t called much... seems like whenever I get the chance it’s one in the morning where you are.’_

  Ville’s lips pulled up in a melancholy smirk. “You know I don’t care if you wake me up, Bammie. I’d love to hear your voice whenever I can.”

  _‘I know, but you hardly get enough sleep as it is. I saw you on that interview the other day... I could see the circles under your eyes. Is everything really okay?’_

  Ville bit his lip. He couldn’t tell Bam about the dream.

  “I’m just missing you, my darling. You know I don’t sleep well without you sharing my bed.”

  _‘Mm,’_ Bam murmured from the other end of the line. They were both silent for a moment. Soon the silence dragged on.

  _‘I’m sorry, Willa, but I’ve got to get back to filming. I’ll try and call you later, okay?’_

  Ville bit his lip, trying not to sound too disappointed. “Alright. I’ll talk to you later, Bammie.”

  _‘Bye, Ville.’_

  “I love you,” Ville said quickly, before they disconnected.

  _‘You too, baby. Talk to you later.’_

  Ville sat still as the line disconnected, the dial tone ringing in his ears. He sighed and put the phone back on the dresser.

  _‘He will only hurt you, Ville. He’s not who you think he is. He’ll only throw you aside once he’s tired of you. You’re just another one to fill his bed.’_

  “Get out of my head, Jussi,” Ville growled as he turned over in bed, pulling the pillow over his head in a vain attempt to shut the thought out. “Bam loves me, and he always will.”

  Ville squeezed his eyes shut tight as he concentrated instead on the sound of the wind beating against the window outside, and the sound of the coming storm slowly rolling in. But Ville could have sworn, as he drifted off to sleep, he could hear Jussi’s soft, deep chuckle carried away in the wind.


	12. Heaven Tonight

  Days turned to weeks, and weeks to months. Bam’s calls became less and less frequent, and shorter and more blunt each turn. Ville was losing the skater, he knew. And it was killing him.

  He sat alone in his tower, pen in hand, poised artfully over the blank page before him. Physically, he wanted to write, but his muddled mind wasn’t cooperating. With a frustrated sigh he threw down his pen and pushed away from the desk, moving to stand at the window. He gazed outside at the untouched, pure white blanket of snow covering the ground, and the snowflakes lazily drifting through the air. It was almost Christmas. Just a couple more weeks. He sighed, his thoughts looping back to Bam, wondering if he should even bother to plan something special.

  Just then his computer beeped at him, and he glanced over at it. A new message was flashing on the screen, and Ville walked over to lean in and read the message.

 

  _“Ville,_

_“I was wondering what we should do this Christmas? Maybe I could fly over to your place? Mix things up a bit? What do you say? You can always come to West Chester if you’d like. Email me when you get this._

_“Bam.”_

 

  A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips as Ville sat down at the desk, typing a reply via instant messenger.

 

  _“Bam,_

_“I’d love for you to spend Christmas with me, but wouldn’t you rather stay with your family over the holidays?_

_“Ville.”_

 

  He hit enter and waited, wondering if Bam was still online. A few moments later, Bam sent back his reply.

 

   **“Hey! You’re online. Isn’t it two in the morning where you are? Anyway, I’d rather spend Christmas with you, Ville. We haven’t seen each other in ages.”**

 

  Ville grinned at the reply. Bam wanted to spend Christmas with him!

 

  _“I can’t sleep. Anyway, I’d love to have you for Christmas, Bammie. When are you planning on getting here?”_

 

  **“You should try to sleep. I was thinking about maybe catching the next flight there.”**

 

  Ville was surprised.

 

  _“The next flight? Did something bad happen, Bam?”_

 

  **“No, I just want to see you. I’ll call you when I figure out the times, okay?”**

 

  Ville felt his stomach flutter pleasantly. _I just want to see you._

 

  **“Try and get some sleep, Vil. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”**

 

  _“Okay. Goodnight, Bam.”_

 

  **“Night, Ville.”**

 

  Ville smiled as he logged out, shutting down the computer. He looked at his watch, sighing. He really should try to sleep. He kicked off his shoes and changed into a pair of pyjama bottoms and a long sleeved shirt, then nestled himself into the warmth and comfort of his own bed. He shivered, pulling the covers closer around him. He tossed and turned for that seemed like hours before he finally fell into a restless, fitful sleep.

 -x-

  Ville jolted awake, woken by the obnoxious ringing of the phone on the table next to him. He grumbled as he picked it up, not even bothering to open his eyes.

  “Terve?” he mumbled, yawning.

  “Vil?”

  Ville’s eyes shot open. “Bammie?” he said, sitting up in bed, his heart suddenly pounding. He hadn’t heard his lover’s voice in too long.

  “Yeah. I got the times for my flight. I’ll be getting there around ten o’clock tomorrow evening, your time. Is that okay?”

  “Yeah,” Ville said, followed by another yawn. “Want me to meet you there?”

  “Yeah. Did you just wake up?”

  “Mm,” Ville replied, rolling over lazily to look at the clock. He was surprised to see it was six in the evening.

  “I slept late,” Ville mused, and Bam chuckled.

  “Yeah. Well, I’ll call you when I land, okay?”

  “‘Kay,” Ville said, smiling. He was going to see Bam.

  “Okay, bye, Ville.”

  “Bye, Bam,” Ville whispered as the line disconnected. He sighed, forcing himself to sit up once more, and looked around the room. He might as well try and tidy up if Bam was coming.

 -x-

  Ville was pacing back and forth in the waiting area of the airport, waiting for Bam’s plane to land. He was anxious, after not having seen Bam for so long, and he was trying desperately to calm himself down. It wasn’t a big deal. They were just seeing each other again.

  Suddenly his cell buzzed in his pocket, and he jumped, his heartbeat rocketing for a split second before it calmed. He sighed and pulled the phone from his pocket, glancing at the number before he flipped it open.

  “Hey, Bammie.”

  “Hey Vil! I just landed, so I’ll get my bags and meet you in the waiting area, okay?”

  “Okay.” Ville smiled, his heartbeat rocketing again. He was really going to see Bam.

  “See you in a bit.”

  They disconnected, and Ville took to anxiously scanning the crowds. It could have been five minutes or five hours, but time seemed to drag on and on, until Ville finally spotted the skater amidst the crowd.

  Bam caught sight of him almost the same instant Ville saw Bam, and he smiled, waving furiously. Ville suddenly bolted forward, something he’d _never_ been known to do, and almost knocked Bam off his feet with the force of his hug.

  “Whoa!” Bam gasped, embracing the ecstatic Finn as he rubbed his hands up his back. “Ville!”

  “Bammie,” Ville whined, burying his face into Bam’s neck, hugging him closer. Oh, how he had missed this, so very much.

  “I’m here, Willa,” Bam murmured, resting his cheek against Ville’s hair. He hugged him tighter. “I’m here.”

  “I missed you,” the Finn whispered shyly, thankful Bam couldn’t see the blush creeping up in his cheeks.

  “I missed you too, baby,” Bam cooed, and Ville smiled, all doubt forgotten. Bam was really here, with him, in his arms.

  “Come on,” Ville murmured, taking his hand in his own and giving it a quick squeeze. “Let’s go home.”

  Bam nodded ecstatically. “I haven’t given you a proper hello,” he purred into the singer’s ear, and Ville shivered pleasantly, all but dragging him out of the airport and into a cab.

  Soon they were both trekking up the driveway and in through the door of Ville’s grand home. Upon entering Bam looked up in awe; he’d loved Ville’s home from the moment he’d first seen it, and every time he saw it again it still amazed him.

  “Coming, sweetheart?” Ville asked from the foot of the stairs, his smile brightening the whole room. Bam nodded eagerly and followed his lover up to his tower bedroom.

  Ville opened the door and stepped inside, and as soon as he did so Bam grabbed his shoulders, rounding him to face him. Their lips immediately met in a fiery, crushing kiss, and Ville let out a moan of desire. Bam pushed him backwards into the wall, and they both grunted softly as Ville’s back met it with an abrupt stop. Bam’s tongue begged entrance and Ville did not deny him, opening his mouth with another moan.

  Bam caught Ville’ lower lip with his teeth, receiving a hiss from the other man. He grinned, then pulled them from the wall and whirled to the bed, pushing Ville down upon it. The pale rocker pulled him down after him, hungrily searching for his lips. He was tugging at Bam’s shirt, a small whine building in the back of his throat. He needed to feel his lover on his skin.

  Bam tore away his shirt, then leaned down to tug at Ville’s own. He hurriedly pulled it off, and both boys moaned as their bare flesh met. Bam rocked his hips into Ville’s thigh, and the Finn moaned.

  “See how much I want you?” Bam breathed into his ear, nipping his earlobe. The Finn groaned, then rolled over, so he was on top now.

  “Take off your pants, Bammie,” Ville purred, but Bam shook his head.

  In an instant Bam had flipped him back over. “Not this time, baby... I want to... try fucking you this time.”

  Ville’s eyes widened at Bam’s request. While it was definitely shocking, it was ten times more of a turn on.

  Bam leered at him as he worked his way down to the rocker’s hips, dragging his nails lightly down the Finn’s chest as he did so. He made sure to lightly scrape the nipples, receiving another hiss from his lover. He grinned and slowly started undoing Ville’s belt buckle, and after another moment he was pulling the jeans down off his petite waist. He grinned, realizing Ville had, as he often did, gone commando.

  Making sure the Finn’s eyes were on him he made a show of laving his fingers with his tongue, slowly removing them from his mouth with a small pop. Ville groaned, squirming beneath Bam. Bam put out a hand to steady him, gently reaching down to Ville’s puckered hole, and slowly pushed a finger into him. Ville hissed at the sudden burn, arching his back slightly. Bam leered at him again, waiting a moment before Ville adjusted to the foreign presence. After another moment he added another digit, pausing again before he began scissoring slightly with his fingers.

  Ville let out another moan. “Bammie, more,” he gasped, his hips bucking.

  Bam grinned at him, placing a small kiss on the inside of his thigh.

  “Okay, baby,” he breathed, adding a third finger. Ville hissed once more, shutting his eyes as he groaned and his hips bucked. He whimpered, a whine building up at the back of his throat.

  “Bammie, please,” he gasped, and Bam shuddered. His voice was deep and thick; so very, very seductive when he begged. Bam whined himself before he removed his fingers with another whimper from Ville, reaching down to free his own leaking erection. Kicking off the annoying article of clothing he grasped himself, smoothing his pre-come over himself as a lubricant. Then he positioned himself, slowly pressing the tip into his lover. Ville gasped, his hands reaching up to grasp around Bam’s back, urging him to continue. Bam slowly pushed into him, biting his lip. He only knew he had been holding his breath when he let out a gasp as he realized he was fully sheathed within his love.

  “Move, sweetheart,” Ville breathed, panting. Bam looked up into his face and groaned. The emerald hues were dark and stormy, almost black with desire. His pale cheeks were tinged with pink, and his full, red lips were swollen from being bitten and their fierce kisses. His dark tendrils of hair were plastered to his forehead with sweat, and he was beautiful. So damn beautiful.

  With another moan Bam moved, slowly rising before he let himself fall back, pushing once more into his lover. Ville threw his head back in the pillow, his breath ragged.

  “Faster, Bam, faster,” he panted, his nails digging into Bam’s back.

  Bam sped up, his breath coming faster and faster as he approached his climax. He reached forward and took Ville’s own aching erection in his hand, jacking him off to the same rhythm of his thrusts.

  The Finn moaned beneath him, throwing his head back in a silent scream.

  _“Faster.”_

Bam cried out as he lost the rhythm all together, slamming in and out of his lover. Ville’s nails dug into Bam’s back harder than ever before, sure to leave marks the next day. Bam leaned forward and bit down on the juncture between Ville’s neck and shoulder, causing the Finn to jerk upward with another silent scream as Bam came within him, filling him with his warmth. Ville screamed his name as he came all over both their stomachs, arching his back as he cried out. Then they both collapsed together on the bed, panting, exhausted. Bam carefully pulled out of Ville, then lay back down next to his lover, pulling him into his embrace. They lay together, regaining their breath, and Bam looked up into his lover’s eyes. Green. Shocking emerald green, lined with a thick line of kohl. Beautiful. Alluring. Intoxicating.

  “I missed you,” Ville whispered, leaning forward to capture Bam’s lips in a sweet, sensual kiss.

  Bam smiled at him. “I missed you too, baby,” he breathed, hugging the Finn close. “It’s just not the same without you.”

  Ville nodded, nuzzling into Bam’s embrace. “I hate when we can’t see each other.”

  “Me too, baby.”

  Ville sighed happily, relishing in his love’s embrace. He breathed in Bam’s scent, suddenly intoxicated by the alluring aura of sweat, sex, and just Bam. How he loved it. How he had missed it. There was nothing like it in the world.

  “Let’s clean up, Vil,” Bam murmured into his ear, licking the lobe as he did so. Ville shuddered pleasantly and nodded, allowing Bam to pull him from bed and into the bathroom. They washed slowly, their arms wrapped around one another in the shower, almost dancing under the rain of water. They stayed in almost until the hot water had gone, then toweled off and headed back into bed together, not bothering to dress.

  The cuddled up close under the warm sheets, nestled into the other’s embrace. Ville felt like he was suddenly whole again, like a piece of him had been missing and it had suddenly returned. And truly, it had.

  “I love you, Bam,” he murmured into the crook of the skater’s shoulder, smiling.

  “I love you, Ville,” Bam murmured back, running his fingers through Ville’s dark, silken hair.

  Ville hummed contentedly at the touch, soon slipping into the most peaceful sleep he had experienced in too long.


	13. The Foreboding Sense...

The first thing the Finn noticed when he woke up in the morning was the heady scent that filled his nose. He breathed in, grinning. There was only one thing that smelled like that in the world. Rather, one _person_. The person he loved so much, who he would do anything in the world for. He sighed, nestling himself deeper into the covers before he opened his eyes.

The emerald eyes fluttered open, and he smiled, staring into Bam's angelic, sleeping face. Oh, how he loved that face. He reached forward, gently brushing away the tousled curls. Bam was so beautiful when he slept. Ville was content just to watch him, watch him as he dreamt. But then those startlingly blue eyes flickered open, and Bam smiled.

"Morning, baby," he yawned, stretching. Ville grinned, shifting to cuddle up with his lover.

"Morning," he purred, nuzzling into Bam's embrace. Bam wrapped his arms around him automatically.

"Baby?"

"Mm?"

"I want you to pack your things. We're going on a little trip."

Ville looked up at him, startled. "What?"

"We're going to go to this Christmas party in Turku. It'll be fun."

Ville frowned, looking away.

"I wanted to just stay here for Christmas," he mumbled, "To spend it here with you." Ville had had his heart set on spending Christmas together at his castle, just the two of them, for some alone time. Time which they hadn't had to themselves for so long that Ville couldn't even remember exactlyhowlong.

Bam laughed. "To fuck each other to death? We can do that in the hotel in Turku. Please, can we go, baby?" Bam pleaded, staring down at Ville with his bottom lip jutting out. His beautiful brown eyes pleaded relentlessly with Ville's heart, gnawing aw unfairly at his heartstrings.

Ville tried to stick to his guns, but gave up in the end, sighing. If Bam didn't get what he wanted, he would only sulk all the time he spent with Ville in Helsinki. Ville wanted to make him happy, anyways. Relationships were about compromise after all, right?

Ville looked up at Bam. "Okay. We'll go to the party. When do we leave?"

"As soon as possible. The flight leaves at five."

"So soon?" Ville mumbled in dismay. He sighed. Anything for his Bam. "Okay. Let's get going, then."

-x-

Ville just knew he would regret going to Turku. He _knew_ Bam wasn't going to pay any attention to him. He knew Bam would only pay attention to him when _he_ wanted to. Even so, Ville went along because he wanted to make Bam happy, like always. So Ville tried to smile when Bam would turn back to him, enjoying the party, the concert, and the drinking. The 69 Eyes were playing, and no matter how much Ville enjoyed seeing the Eyes, there was always the same awkward tension with Jussi. He hated it, but of course Bam never noticed. Then Jussi only made things harder for him.

Ville struggled through the sea of pulsing bodies towards Bam, leaning over the bar while chatting very loudly with a friend. "Bam? Can we go soon? I'm tired."

"Aw, just a little while longer, Willa?" he slurred, swinging drunkenly around to look at him. "It's only ten o'clock."

Ville frowned. "Bam, you said the same thing three hours ago." _Before you were drunk off your ass._

"I did?" he said, looking at his watch. He giggled as he swayed. "Guess so." He grinned drunkenly at him, and Ville winced reflexively.

"Can we go? Please?" he pleaded. He was tired, and he was feeling faint. He felt like he needed to sit down, and soon.

"Okay, okay," Bam slurred, starting to amble drunkenly towards the door. Once outside Ville hailed a cab so they could head back to the hotel. Ville hated when Bam got this way, but there was never much he could do about it. He sighed as he helped Bam into the elevator, pressing the button for the top floor.

Suddenly Bam got down on his knees in front of Ville, pulling at his belt. Ville tensed up immediately, leaning his frail body against the wall of the elevator.

"B-bam?!" he squeaked, trying to swat Bam's hands away.

"I wanna suck you off so bad, baby," he purred, yanking down Ville's pants. Despite the danger of it all Ville found himself suddenly almost painfully hard.

"Bam," he wheezed, "we could get caught ah!" He gasped as Bam took him in his mouth, then hollowing his cheeks, sucking. Ville leaned back more to brace himself against the rails inside the elevator with a small groan.

"My god, Bam," he moaned, letting his head fall back, thumping dully against the wall. The ceiling above him swam in his vision, but he couldn't move. Bam moaned his approval, teasing Ville with his tongue. Ville watched as their floor neared, closer and closer, danger mounting when suddenly he cried out and came. Bam swallowed him down, licking his lips and doing up Ville's pants just before the doors slid upon and the bell dinged for their floor.

They both staggered out and headed for their room. As soon as they stepped inside Ville collapsed on the bed, shaking, quickly downing a puff of asthma medication.

"Oh my God, Bam," he wheezed, looking over at his lover, "that was too close." Bam only grinned, crawling towards him on the bed. He wrapped his arms around him, burying his face into his hair as he inhaled. Ville could smell the alcohol on his breath and he didn't like it at all. He tried to pull away slightly but Bam held him tightly in place.

"But you enjoyed it," Bam mused sleepily.

Ville clamped his mouth shut, suddenly exhausted. He'd always enjoyed a bit of risk, but he wasn't about to tell Bam that, should he attempt something similar (or worse) in the future.

"Go to sleep, Bam. I'm tired."

But Bam was already passed out, and Ville sighed as he reached to turn out the lights in the hotel. 

-x-

The next morning Ville woke to the sound of a low moan next to him, and he blinked in the harsh, noonday light. With a groan himself he opened his eyes and looked around, trying to focus. He yawned as he rubbed his eyes, throwing his arms up over his head to stretch out his spine. A wave of satisfaction washed through him as his back popped, and he sighed. With another yawn he turned to see Bam laying next to him, his face scrunched up, eyes tightly shut against the obnoxious sun. Ville tried to smile, not quite making it.

"Bammie?" he whispered, kissing his lover's nose lightly. "Bam-Bam?"

"Mmph," was the only reply he received, and his lips turned up in a melancholy, crooked grin.

"Hangover, darling?" he purred.

Bam nodded, then stopped. The movement only made his pounding head hurt more.

"How much did I drink?" he mumbled, cracking open an azure eye to stare into his boyfriend's emerald green ones.

"Too much," Ville murmured darkly before sitting up in bed to shift his weight to the edge. He heaved himself up to head for the bathroom. Then, in his normal voice, "I'll get you an aspirin. Do you?"

Ville stopped mid-step, his words caught in his throat. His eyes widened slightly as he froze in place, a peculiar look crossing his face. Bam heard him stop and turned to him, staring at him curiously.

"Ville?" he asked cautiously. "What?"

"Ah!" Ville gasped lightly, his hand fluttering to his stomach as he tensed. His stomach lurched, unexpected pain spreading through his abdomen. He held his breath, willing the pain away, but it only continued to course through him. He made a sort of choking nose in the back of his throat, overcome with the pain. He began to feel dizzy again, swaying where he stood.

Bam sat up in bed, wincing when his head pounded from the sudden movement. "Ville, are you okay?"

Suddenly Ville's eyes flickered shut and his knees buckled, and he went down with a slight gasp. Bam watched with shocked eyes as Ville curled up into a little ball on the floor, hugging his stomach. Bam staggered out of bed, rushing to his side.

"Ville? What's wrong?" Bam knelt down next to him, resting a hand gently on his shoulder as if he was afraid the simple gesture would hurt Ville more. Ville winced slightly before he turned to look at him, his green eyes wide and dark with confusion and pain.

"My... my stomach hurts," he mustered, his breath hitching before he shut his eyes tight, willing the suddenly agonizing pain away. His stomach had been aching before, but now it felt like it was going to be split in two. He trembled with the effort to remain silent against his will to cry out in pain, curling himself into a tighter ball in an attempt to escape the sharp ache. He felt dizzy, too, and all he wanted was to curl up and pray that the pain would leave his fragile body.

Bam frowned, gently gathering the Finn into his arms. His frown deepened when Ville winced with a small gasp, shutting his eyes tighter as he clamped his hands stiffly over his stomach. Bam carried him back to the bed, sitting with him held carefully in his arms, seated across his lap. He gently tried to pry Ville's hands away.

"Let me see, Willa," Bam urged him gently when he resisted. Slowly he complied, allowing Bam to remove his hands from his spitting stomach. He started when one of Bam's warm hands snaked under his shirt, whimpering slightly when it pressed lightly against his belly. His breath came in rapid, sharp gasps.

"Where does it hurt?" Bam murmured, pressing down lightly. Ville hissed, tensing, and Bam frowned again. He started a gentle, circular rubbing motion over his lover's sore stomach, and Ville whimpered and buried his head into the crook of Bam's neck, knotting his fingers tightly into Bam's shirt. Bam continued with the soothing motion, whispering gently into Ville's ear.

"It's okay.... just relax, baby..."

Eventually the movement started to make Ville's aching stomach feel better, and he gradually began to relax in Bam's embrace. After a while it almost made him drowsy, and he went completely limp in Bam's arms, allowing his eyes to slip pleasantly closed. The pain had eased, but he still felt dizzy.

"There... better, Willa?" Bam cooed, planting a gentle kiss in Ville's hair without stopping his hand.

"Mm," Ville hummed in response, oddly content. The splitting pain in his stomach from earlier was completely gone now, and he was just enjoying Bam's embrace and the soothing movement of his magic hands.

"Want me to order breakfast? Or do you not want to eat?"

Ville shook his head sleepily from side to side. He didn't feel like he had the energy to eat.

Bam frowned. "You're so skinny, baby... you should eat."

Ville shook his head again, then stopped. It made the hotel room spin.

"For me?" Bam tried once more, pleading, and Ville sighed. The last thing on his mind at the moment was eating. His stomach didn't hurt anymore, but he still felt queasy and he knew if he stood up at the moment he would be dizzy, too. But if Bam wanted him to eat, he would... even if it was only a little. With another sigh he nodded meekly before Bam smiled, picking up the phone on the bedside table to order them room service.


	14. Dying Song

That evening Ville was able to opt out of going to a party with Bam, giving him the excuse that he had had food poisoning from the previous evening and felt like he should stay home and rest. Bam, who was disappointed that he didn't want to go, nevertheless let him be. He knew from earlier that day Ville was honestly not feeling well, and decided to let him stay.

After Bam had left, Ville changed into his pajamas and curled up on the couch, plugging in _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ into the DVD player. However, he just couldn't pay attention to his favorite movie. He was restless, unable to get comfortable. His thoughts were whirling around his head, too fast for him to think deeply upon. He felt confused and fragile. And alone.

With a frustrated sigh he stood up, but he stood too fast and staggered, swaying. He felt dizzy again, so he reached out to balance himself on the couch. He breathed in deeply, ignoring the pain in his stomach that had become more of a daily ordeal. After a moment, he felt it was safe for him to walk.

He headed for the bathroom, the blanket from the couch slung over his shoulders like a cape. He clicked on the light in the large room, looking around. With a sigh he hung the blanket up on the hook on the door, then turned around to do his business. After he was done he turned back to the sink to wash his hands, pushing up his long sleeves. He dried his hands, then plucked the blanket of the door and slung it back over his shoulders before he turned to glance at his reflection in the mirror before he froze.

He stared at his reflection, shocked. Could that really be him? He leaned in a little, moving one long, slender hand to touch the circles under his eyes. He let the blanket slip from his bony shoulders, pooling at his bare feet. His fingers moved from his eyes to his hollow cheek bones, following the prominent curve of his jaw. His eyes then moved to his bony fingers, then his wrist, and then his arms. With a fluid motion, he pulled his shirt off over his head, letting it drop at his side.

He stared at his reflection in the mirror, almost shocked at what he saw. He could see all his bones quite clearly as the stood out against his skin. He let his hand trail over his ribs, feeling the bump of each bone as his fingers moved over them. He moved his hand up to trace his collarbones, then his shoulders, and back down his ribs. Finally he came to his stomach, and his angular hip bones.

 _When did I get like this?_ Ville thought, staring at his body. He felt even more breakable as he stared into the mirror. He grimaced at his ribs, touching them again, noting how they stood out painfully against his skin. He looked down at his hip bones, harsh and unkind angles covered with flesh. His stomach was almost non-existent.

Ville frowned as he pinched the flesh on his stomach. It sickened him. It was fat. He didn't want to be fat. He was almost afraid to.

_No, that's a lie. You are afraid to be fat. Even the tiniest bit of fat sends you into a panic._

"Shut up," Ville murmured aloud, his emotions raging. He looked away from himself in disgust, turning sideways to the mirror. He looked at his almost paper-thin torso, then turned his back, looking over his shoulder. He could count his vertebra and his ribs on his back, too. His shoulder blades stood out clearly there as well, moving eerily beneath his thin layer of skin as he swung his arms.

He turned away again, shutting his eyes. He didn't want to see what he had become. He knew he was losing weight, a lot of weight, but he felt it wasn't enough. He quickly bent over to grab his shirt, but on the way back up his vision blanked and he staggered into the counter. He gasped, shirt in one hand, the other grasping the counter. He felt very faint, but he forced himself to put on his shirt and grab the blanket. He wasn't going to be weak again like this morning. Disgusting.

Thinking about this morning only made him angry. He had been weak. He should have been in better control. It was nothing new. He had been getting stomach pains for a while now, and usually he could control them. Usually he could ignore himself when he felt faint, or stifle himself when he felt queasy, like now. He had never intended to tell Bam about his stomach pains. He didn't think that it was that important. So what if his stomach was hurting? To be honest with himself, he didn't even understand it entirely. It could have been anything. It could have been because of his abstinence from alcohol, or maybe food poisoning, or maybe even from the neglect from Bam. Who knew? Who cared? Ville didn't.

Ville shuffled back out into the "living room" part of the hotel, absent-mindedly rubbing his belly. He dropped the blanket on the couch and dragged himself into the little kitchenette to make himself some coffee. He yawned as he searched through the bare cabinets for a cup, pushing aside a blender, some old bowls, and a broken toaster. Finally he found a cup in relatively good condition, gave it a quick rinse and poured himself a cup of coffee.

He stifled another yawn as he turned away from the counter to sit at the table. He was just about to grab onto the chair when he stopped, a wave of wooziness washing over him like a great wave. He gasped lightly, still clutching his cup of coffee, and swayed. His eyes drooped, and unconsciously the cup slipped from his fingers, shattering on the tile floor with a crash, sending glass and coffee everywhere. Ville staggered, fumbling frantically for the support of the table, but in his confusion he was only able to grab the chair next to him. With a gasp he fell, toppling over the chair as he let go and hit the ground.

The chair clattered down on the tile next to him where he lay where he fell, dazed. He looked up at the ceiling, but all he could see was a blurry picture. He gasped as his stomach complained against him, but he only gritted his teeth and pressed his hand tightly against it. He breathed in quickly, then moaned. His stomach hurt terribly. He whimpered, realizing he needed to move out of the kitchen. The floor was covered in glass and coffee. With a hiss he used his free hand to try and pull himself across the floor towards the table. After many stops and several more sharp jabs of pain Ville reached the table, trembling as he gripped it to try and stand.

_Bammie, help me..._

Then suddenly, without warning, his fingers slipped from the table and he blacked out, laying unconscious on the kitchen floor amidst the spilt coffee and glass.

-x-

"Ville?" Bam called out softly, staggering in through the door. He wasn't really _drunk_ tonight, he was more buzzed. He had heard the familiar sounds of _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ coming from the living room of their suite, but as he turned the corner from the hall the couch was empty and cold. Bam next checked the bedroom to see if Ville was asleep, but when he found he wasn't there he began to panic. He turned to the kitchen, noticing the light was still on, and rushed over. His voice caught in his throat when his eyes fell upon the scene.

Without thinking he skidded over the ice-cold coffee on the ground, kicking the remnants of a coffee cup out of his way. He kneeled over Ville's unconscious form, panicked. He took him in his arms, calling his name.

"Ville? Oh my God, Ville, please, wake up. Baby, please."

Ville moaned weakly, his eyes only flickering. _Bammie...?_

"I'm going to pick you up, okay? Don't be scared, I'm here."

_It hurts so much, Bammie..._

Bam scooped Ville up in his arms, rushing him into the bedroom. He placed him gently on the bed, stripping off his coffee-soaked shirt to replace it with a new one. Ville laid motionlessly on the bed, half-conscious of what was going on, and tried to focus. Bam kneeled next to him on the floor, taking his hand in his.

"Baby, what happened?" he asked, his eyes large and frightened. Ville hadn't seen those eyes in a long time. So full of love and worry for _him._

"I..." Ville started, then stopped. "I fell. I accidentally dropped my coffee, and when I tried to clean it up I slipped and hit my head on the table." _Why did I lie?_

"Oh baby I was so worried. I'm so sorry I didn't get back here sooner."

"Hush, love," Ville murmured, tired. "Sleep. I'll be fine, I promise."

Bam bit his lip, but climbed up into bed with Ville. He held him close, but gently, and soon fell asleep. Ville laid awake for a while longer, wondering to himself. _Why does he care all of a sudden? It's not like this is the first time. You haven't cared for a while, Bammie. Why start now?_


	15. Love, The Hardest Way

The next morning started out with the buzz of the doorbell and Bam's weight leaving the bed. Ville rolled over, still half-asleep, to hug onto a pillow instead. There were murmurs in the background, but Ville didn't trouble himself to hear them. A few minutes later Bam was shaking him awake, telling him in a cheery voice that he ordered room service. Joy.

Later that day, after Bam had made sure Ville ate, they headed back to the club (much to Ville's dismay). He almost felt like crying as Bam ordered his first drink, knowing it would only be the first of many. He sat himself down next to his lover with a sigh, only ordering a glass of water for himself. Alcohol did nothing for him now.

He watched the crowd around him without really watching them, thinking to himself. He thought of how he felt about Bam, and how he thought Bam felt about him. He thought about how much Bam drank, and how much it was affecting Ville, and their entire relationship. Bam's constant partying was wearing Ville out faster than he imagined, and he didn't know how much longer he could take it. He felt so tired of it all: of the parties, of the distance, of Bam's neglect, of his own aches and pains. He was just tired of everything. His body felt it, too, like it was getting ready to collapse, like it would soon refuse to go on.

"Ville!" a bright voice called out, breaking his melancholy thoughts. Ville turned, his eyes lighting up as he recognized the owner of the voice.

"Linde!" he cried, pulling his friend into an enthusiastic hug. "It's good to see you! I'm sorry I've been out of contact. I have a few ideas written down..."

"Hush, Vil. I'm here to say hello, not hound you for new songs," the blonde chuckled, grinning at his friend. Ville grinned back at him, clearly happy to see his fellow band mate and best friend. He felt better almost immediately, cheering up a bit.

"It's good to see you, Linde," Ville said, his voice actually excited for once. His eyes began to dart around hopefully. "Is there anyone else here? Are Mizee, Gas and Burton around?"

Linde nodded, smiling at his enthusiasm. "They're around here somewhere. I'll tell them to come say hello next time I spot them. In fact, how about we go and do something? Are you here with someone else?"

Ville nodded, his face falling ever so slightly. Linde noticed, but stayed silent. "Yeah... I'm here with Bam. At least, I think he is... but then again, I'm not really sure."

Linde frowned, putting an arm around his friend. "Are you two having problems?" he asked in a gentle murmur, his voice full of sympathy.

Ville shrugged, avoiding his eyes. "I don't even know anymore. One moment things are fine, and we're getting along great... then there's time like tonight, where he seems like almost a stranger to me. I just don't know what to think..." Ville leaned forward to cradle his head in his hands, and Linde pulled him into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry, Vil," he murmured, "You know you can always call me if you need to talk. Any of us."

"I know," the singer whispered, "but I just wouldn't know where to start. I love him so much, Linde... but I feel like I'm losing him. And it's killing me..."

The guitarist grimaced, hugging his friend again. "Tell you what... how about I get the rest of the guys over here and we have some fun? You need it. They've been dying to see you again. We haven't seen you almost since we ended tour. We've all missed you."

"Okay," Ville said, looking up at his friend with the mask carefully in place. "I'd like that."

Linde nodded, giving him one more hug before linking his arm through Ville's to lead him through the crowd in search for the rest of HIM. Once they rounded up the rest of the band, they all slipped out of the club to wander around downtown Turku, laughing and joking around while they each caught up on each other's lives. After what seemed like only a couple hours they realized they had been missing from the party for way more than a couple hours.

"Shit, I didn't think we were gone so long," Gas laughed as they rounded the corner of the club. "I guess we got carried away, huh?"

"A little, I guess," Ville laughed, grinning from ear to ear. "But it was worth it. I feel horrible for not keeping up with everything."

"Aw, don't worry about that, Ville," Linde said, resting a hand on his shoulder, "We're happy to see you any time."

Ville smiled again before they stepped into the club. "Thanks, guys, I really needed this."

They all filed in through the open door into the warmth, with Ville and Linde bringing up the rear. Ville smiled at Linde once more before turning to look before him. In an instant, his blood ran cold as his smile melted off his pale face.

There was a drunken uproar, with Bam right the center of the group. He swaggered across the pool table, laughing loudly over the roar of the crowd. He had a beer in one hand, with his other hand was wrapped tightly around another man's waist. Then, in front of everyone, he roughly pulled the other man up against him, his lips crushing the other's in a passionate kiss.

Ville's voice caught in his throat in a strangled cry, his heart suddenly aching. His eyes filled with tears as the emotion flooded through him, robbing him of all sanity. He felt angry, betrayed and stung. Then, before he had even registered what he was doing, he had bolted for the door.

Bursting out into the icy night air he staggered down the steps, skidding to a stop right before he reached the brick wall opposite the double doors. He paced back and forth quickly, panting, and a moment later he was groping for his inhaler, shooting down two shaky puffs before he leant back against the wall to regain his ragged breath. Sliding down the rough wall he slipped into a sitting position, wrapping his arms around himself as he buried his face into his knees. He took in a shuddering breath, trying to keep the tears from falling, but failed miserably.

He'd never felt so broken in his life. Bam had betrayed him. It was a final, fatal blow to Ville. Bam had hurt him in the past, but that was nothing. Now Bam had hurt him deeper than ever before. He'd betrayed everything they were, everything they had.

_It hurts so much..._

His shoulders shook with abandoned sobs. He shut his eyes tight in the effort not to cry, but still the tears leaked out beneath his lids. Inwardly he cursed himself, his thoughts a tangled web of emotions that coursed through his body, burning his very blood. He should have known Bam would only hurt him. Jussi was right. Jussi was always right...

Suddenly there were gentle hands on his back, pulling him out of his small, broken stance and into their arms. He willingly turned to them, taking any comfort he could get. At this point, he didn't care who it was, just as long as it wasn't Bam. Or _would_ he want Bam here now..?

"There, there," they cooed, gently stroking his messy curls. "Just let it out, kulta."

Ville looked up into Jussi's face, silent tears still streaming down his face. He hiccupped, but didn't move, didn't run.

"You were right," he whispered, his breath hitching. He shut his eyes, ducking his head as a new round of tears threatened to burst forth. "You were right."

Jussi hooked a gentle finger under his chin. "About what, kulta?"

Ville bit back another inevitable sob.

"That he would only hurt me," he said, barely a whisper. He opened his eyes to look at the drummer. "That Bam would only hurt me." Jussi smiled sadly at him. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"You're not," Ville immediately answered back, turning his head away. "You never wanted us to be together. You always wanted me to leave him."

Jussi bit his lip; Ville's words stung, even though they were true. "I'm sorry he hurt you. I'm sorry you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry I..."

He trailed off with a saddened sigh.

"You're sorry you're what?" Ville whispered, large emerald eyes searching as he turned back to Jussi. To Jussi he looked like a little child like that, innocent and trusting. Too trusting.

Jussi gave him another melancholy smile. Then, before Ville could even register what Jussi was about to do, he leaned in and pressed his lips gently to Ville's.

"I'm sorry I still love you," he whispered as he leaned back.

Ville stared at him with wide green eyes and a gaping mouth before he scrambled up, out of Jussi's arms. His child-like innocence was replaced with shock and embarrassment. He felt humiliated now.

"I'm... sorry," he breathed, giving Jussi one last apologetic, distracted glance before he bolted, running down the darkened alley. Jussi watched him go until he was out of sight, then sighed. He slowly got to his feet, dusting himself off before he looked up once more in the direction Ville had gone. He shook his head, scolding himself.

_That was brilliant, Jussi. Just brilliant._


	16. Heartkiller

His blood boiled beneath his skin as he saw his best friend's boyfriend kissing the other man. His eyes flickered quickly over to Ville, who stood wide-eyed and shocked, but before he could do anything Ville took flight, darting out of the club. Linde cursed and stormed over to Bam, his anger radiating off him in waves as he tore the two apart before he pushed Bam none-too-gently up against the nearest wall.

"Hey!" Bam slurred, staring up at the angry Finn. His eyes widened when he realized it was Linde. Linde _never_ did anything like this. "Linde? Whash wron?"

"You _idiot!"_ Linde seethed, glaring daggers at Bam. Bam shrank back slightly at the force of his anger. "You're so _stupid!_ What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?!"

Bam glared right back, sobering up slightly. "Why? What did I do?" he demanded.

Linde pulled him forward, then slammed him back into the wall behind them. He barked a harsh laugh, curling up his fist tightly against his side to resist the urge to hit the skater. "You probably destroyed every last shred of happiness Ville ever had. He saw you kissing him, you bastard!"

Bam's face melted into shock. Ville? "What?"

"You really have no fucking clue how much he loves you, do you?" the angry blonde spat. "He would do anything for you. He'd never hurt you like you hurt him all the fucking time. God knows why, but he loves you enough to put up with all your bullshit, all your flaws, you self-centered, egotistical ways, and you ripping his heart to shreds one _fucking_ piece at a time. He does everything he can to keep your relationship alive, when you're tearing it apart! You don't have a fucking _clue_ how good you had it, and now you've destroyed _everything."_

Linde pushed him up against the wall again violently before backing off, his normally peaceful expression murderous. "You'd better find him and make things right, Bam," the Finn warned him with a snarl, "or else it might be too late for the both of you."

Without another word the angry blonde stalked off, leaving Bam dazed, leaning weakly against the wall. It only took him a second to pull away, heading for the door.

He'd been so fucking _stupid._ What was he thinking? He loved Ville with all his heart, but then he made him miserable. He never did anything for him. But why?

He paused when the door opened, admitting a very downtrodden-looking Jussi.

"Jussi, have you seen Ville?" Bam asked desperately.

Jussi glared at him, then sighed. "He's gone."

Bam's heart sank. "Gone?! Where?"

Jussi shook his head. "Where he always goes when he's lost."

Without another word he slipped away, leaving Bam with his cryptic answer. But Bam had no time to waste, and bolted out the door anyway to search for Ville in the cold.

 -x-

Ville stumbled into the deserted lot, numbed by the cold. He wandered through the familiar place, then backstage, searching for the place he'd recalled over all the years. He always came here when he needed to think. It was old and run down, and abandoned, but he never cared. This place was special to him because this was where he played his first gig.

He wandered around some more, shivering, but he didn't care. He couldn't care anymore. Sinking down to the floor, Ville curled up into a small ball, hugging his knees to his chest as he ducked his head. Here he let his silent tears fall freely, and he shuddered with the effort to remain silent. He wanted to scream, wanted to curse the heavens. He wanted to cry and writhe in agony on the cold ground. He wanted to be numb, so he couldn't feel his bleeding heart breaking. He wanted to not be able to think, so he couldn't remember the pain, the betrayal, the utter agony.

He was angry. Angry that Bam had betrayed him. That he had betrayed their love, their trust, and everything they were. He was angry that Bam had ripped out his heart, again and again, killing him over and over. He was angry at himself for letting him, offering it naively to him on a silver platter, ready to be taken and broken.

He was distraught. He loved Bam so much, but he only ever seemed to hurt him. He'd given their love his all. He's put his heart into it. But it seemed like it hadn't been enough. Now here he lay, bleeding and broken. Now no one was left to pick up the pieces. He was just collateral damage in the life of Bam Margera. And yet, he still loved him. He remembered every last soft caress, every single sweet kiss. He could recall every heated glance, every sensual word. They wouldn't leave him alone, swirling around his already-confused head, taunting him. He could almost hear Bam's voice calling his name.

_"Ville? Ville!"_

The sound echoed eerily around him. He paused, suddenly alert, straining his ears.

"Ville!"

The sound was closer. And _real._

Ville looked up just as Bam burst into the room, panting, his face shiny and red, with his chocolate curls windswept and tangled. He turned to Ville, his eyes meeting his. The deep blue hues were dark with worry, but as they landed upon Ville they brightened with relief.

"Ville!" he gasped, staggering over to him. "I couldn't find you! I was so worried!"

Ville flinched away as Bam reached forward to touch him. The motion stung them both.

"Don't touch me," Ville hissed, surprising himself with the venom he heard in his voice.

Bam froze, hurt. He hesitantly tried again, reaching out to him. "Ville, I-."

"Don't!" Ville spat, glaring at him. His heart throbbed painfully as Bam flinched away, stung. "Just don't, Bam."

"But Ville, I... I'm sorry, I didn't mean-."

"You meant it, Bam," Ville snapped at him, silencing the skater. "You kissed him. You don't love me. I don't know if you ever did."

Bam's mouth dropped open as he stared at Ville with wide, hurt eyes. Ville wanted to kick and scream and cry, but he didn't. He kept on staring at Bam with cold, lifeless eyes that weren't his.

"Ville, how could you ever say that?" Bam whimpered, like a scolded dog. "How could you say that I never-."

"How could I?" Ville barked, losing his temper. He knew he should stop, but he couldn't. He could feel his blood boiling from beneath his very skin. His pent up anger had been reined in for much too long, and it was finally breaking free. "How _could_ I?! From the beginning of this relationship you only hurt me. You were never there. You were always off doing your own thing. Relationships are about being _together,_ Bam. The way you acted made me think you didn't care. You made me think that you _hated_ me."

Suddenly his poison outburst ended in a whisper, the venom suddenly dying. He shrunk into himself, tears streaming down his face as the muffled sobs shook his frail body. He felt horrible and sickly, and he hated it. He felt weak. He hurt, his body only a cage of pain that he had to endure. The pain in his lungs had him scrambling though his pockets in search for his inhaler, pulling it to his lips with shaking hands before he took a ragged puff. Distracted, he only vaguely noticed Bam move closer to him, kneeling down before him.

"Ville, I'm so sorry," he breathed. He wanted to reach out and touch him, but he knew it would only make it worse. "I- I never meant to hurt you. It was the last thing I meant to do. I just got so caught up in my own life that I almost forgot about the most important thing _in_ my life."

Bam paused to gently hook a finger under Ville's chin, turning up his tear-stained face to lock his gaze. "I'm so sorry, Ville. I love you _so_ much, but I took it for granted. I want to fix this. I want to be with you forever. I want to show you how much you really mean to me."

"How can you?" Ville whispered, his voice hoarse from crying. Something he seemed to be doing a lot of lately.

"I don't know, Ville. But I can't bear to lose you. Please, let me try."

Ville shut his eyes, more tears leaking out from his lids. He wanted to forgive him. He loved him so much. He wanted to believe Bam would never hurt him again, but his faith was lost. He'd lost his faith in love for the final time.

"I'm sorry," Ville whispered, barely audible. "I can't do this anymore, Bam," he said, his voice tight. He staggered to his feet, pushing away from Bam and the wall. He started for the door, but before he could reach it he let out a strangled cry, falling back to his knees. His hands flew to his stomach as the horrible pain shot up through his abdomen, pulsing through him like a fire burning his insides. With another burst of pain he was reduced to a small ball on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest in a desperate attempt to ease the sharp ache. He was only slightly aware of Bam's hands on his back, and his distant voice calling out his name.

"Ville! Please, what's wrong?"

Ville couldn't answer, even if he wanted to. Another sharp pain split though him, and he cried out softly, tears pricking his eyes in frustration. What was wrong with him? At this point he didn't care if Bam loved him or not, he was blinded by his pain.

He gasped when Bam suddenly scooped him up into his arms and started running. Ville whimpered, clamping his hands tighter of his splitting stomach. The jostled gait only made it hurt more. He wanted to scream, but he was too weak. The pain had robbed him of his voice.

"Ville, just hold on, okay?" Bam panted in his ear, "I'm taking you to the hospital."

Ville wanted to protest, but he knew he was too weak to resist. Another harsh pain ripped though him and he gasped, his consciousness blackening at the edges. He felt himself going numb, and he let his eyes slip closed as he went limp in Bam's arms.

Ville, try to stay awake," Bam pleaded, but Ville couldn't fight the overpowering darkness any longer. Giving in, he surrendered his consciousness and let it overtake him.


	17. Scared to Death

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

The noise hurt his pounding head, and he wanted it to stop. But it kept going, never ceasing. He wanted to speak, to tell someone to shut off the blasted noise, but his voice failed him. He wondered briefly where he was, but he was too out of it to really care.

Slowly he became aware of the dull ache in his stomach, but he didn't pay it any mind. It was more of a constant feeling these days, and he learned to ignore it. Next he became aware of the sharp, potent stench filling his nose, like rubbing alcohol. He didn't like it. It reminded him of... something. But what? Just as he was trying to decide why it was slightly familiar he heard a door open somewhere next to him and someone else in the room, who he hadn't realized was there, scramble to their feet.

"How is he? What's wrong?"

Ville's heart skipped a beat. Was that really him? Yes, yes, it had to be. Bam's voice was thick with worry. Ville wondered where he was, and why Bam was there, of all people. Didn't Bam hate him? He made no movement, curious of what the new arrival had to say.

"He's stable. We've got him on vitamins, and got some food into him. He's severely malnourished, and far too thin."

He remained still as he could as he heard the pair walk closer. Vitamins? Malnourished? Could they be talking about him? He wasn't too thin. He didn't think he was too thin.

 _"Anorexia._ 'Dying to be thin.' Developed by obsessive compulsive need to be thin, resulting in lack of intake of food, or in more rare cases, severe neglect of the body."

There was a pause. Ville held his breath.

"When..." Bam started, hesitant. "When he wakes up... will he be in pain?"

"He may, he may not," said the unknown voice. "Now that there is something in his stomach, he shouldn't be in too much pain. You see, when you severely limit your food intake, your body almost forgets his to digest. At that point, your stomach tries to digest itself for some form or nutrients. Eating too much or too little could be fatal."

"Fatal?!" Bam gasped, his tone agonizing. Ville wanted to flinch at his tone, but didn't.

"Is he... could he..." Bam paused, taking a quick, steadying breath. "Could he die?" came the small, anguished whisper.

There was a deathly pause. Ville held his breath without meaning to.

"Yes."

Ville heard Bam sit down heavily in a chair nearby.

"There is a larger chance he will live," the doctor consoled him, moving closer to the skater. "The amount of damage is not too severe. Don't worry, Mr. Margera. We'll take good care of your friend." _Friend._ Ville could hear his footsteps heading for the door. "Call for a nurse if you need anything."

The door swung shut with an ominous click.

Silence.

Ville was debating over whether to open his eyes. He wanted to, he wanted to see Bam, but then again, maybe it was safer to feign sleep. Somehow or another, he decided to open his eyes. He blinked quickly in the bright light, shutting them again. Tentatively reopening them he tried to focus, the fuzzy white room slowly becoming clearer. He was in a hospital room, like he had guessed, in a starch, white bed. He grimaced at the needles poked into his thin arms, suppressing a shudder. He'd never been fond of needles. His eyes flickered around the small, private room, coming to rest upon his lover. _Or, ex-lover._

Bam was seated opposite of him on a hard plastic chair, hunched forward with his head cradled in his hands. He looked terrible, and tired. Ville bit his lips as he watched him, debating on whether to try and get his attention or not. Suddenly he moved, and out of reflex Ville shut his eyes, feigning sleep again.

Bam rose from his chair, nearing him. He paused just before the bed, then Ville felt him take his hand gently in his own, rubbing small circles on the back of his bony hand. Ville liked the feeling, but tried to keep his breathing steady as he listened.

"I'm sorry, Willa," Bam breathed, sitting down next to him. "I wish you knew how sorry I was. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to push you away. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. But I was scared, Ville. Scared of us. I love you so much it scares me. I didn't know what to do. I guess I chickened out. I didn't know what to think. Then it made you think that I didn't love you. I never meant that. I love you with all my heart. I thought it would be easier if I could make a joke out of it. Just be my normal, jackass-self. I should have known I couldn't be that way with you. But I'm not afraid anymore, Willa. I love you and I want to be with you. And you don't even know it."

Bam leaned down to press his lips gently against Ville's forehead in a lingering kiss. Ville's heart did a somersault against his thin ribcage.

"I love you," Bam whispered once more before he pulled away. Ville couldn't stop the tears from leaking out from beneath his closed lids. He opened his eyes just as Bam turned away, heading toward the door.

"Do you really mean that?" Ville whispered, and Bam turned, staring back at him with dead, watery eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept, and there was rough stubble on his face. His hair was a mess, and he was wearing the same clothes he had been wearing at the club. And yet, even so, he was still the most beautiful thing Ville had ever seen.

He slowly made his way back to the bed, blue eyes never leaving Ville's.

"I do, Ville," Bam swore in a whisper, staring pleadingly into his face. "I really do. There's no one else but you, and that's how it will always be. I love you, so much."

Ville felt another tear slip from his eyes, rolling slowly down his cheek. Bam reached up to gently wipe it away with his thumb.

"I love you too, Bam," Ville whispered, his breath hitching. "More than anything."

Bam leaned in to embrace him, holding on tightly to his lover. Ville shifted on the bed, making room for Bam. Bam climbed up with him, holding tight, tears spilling silently from his eyes.

"I love you, Ville," he breathed, stroking Ville's cheek. "I don't ever want to live without you. I want to be with you forever. You've stolen my heart."

Ville shuddered slightly in an attempt to bite back a sob.

"And you have mine, Bammie. It's always belonged to you."

Bam leaned down to capture Ville's lips with his own in a passionate kiss. He delved his tongue deep into his lover's mouth, tasting their tears.

He prayed he would never have to taste them again.


End file.
